Dear Ask Boz,
Is this the end of the beginning or the beginning of the end?
Brandi, Whipcity

In this time of great economic uncertainty, historic elections, clogged toilets, and endless religious services, it is quite understandable that you have this question. But you didn't have to go to Ask Boz to get your answer.

The great philosopher Semisonic has already answered this timeless query. Yep, another one-named philosopher, like Kafka, Kierkegaard or Cher. And, just like Cher, Semisonic sang their philosophies. Your answer came in their song "Closing Time." They told you that "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." That's it: just as one thing closes, something new opens.

Well, that was easy, Brandi .... what's that? Did Semisonic have any other philosophies? Well, I normally don't do follow-up questions, but, I can't resist women with strippery names. Here's more deep thoughts from "Closing Time."

They told us what to do at a bar's closing time. When you hear "one last call for alcohol," you must "finish your whiskey or beer." Wine drinkers may wonder "What do I do?" I mean, c'mon, really? Wine drinkers are never still around at closing time. They went home long before, in their fancy convertible cars, where their servants await them, and watch their Tivo of "Dancing with Celebrities in Rehab" while taking a bath in a footy tub and drinking vintage Pepsi.

But enough about Democrats, there is more philosophy to explore. So far, it's been pretty easy. But then they hit you with "Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from." Naturally, you say "Ummm. What? How can I go back to the places I WILL BE from. Doesn't that mean I haven't been there yet?"

Well, for limited stupids like you, and all my other readers, yes, it does. But Semisonic understands that space time thingy on a much higher level than you is. You see, the true nature of things is that we do not live life in some straight ahead, linear fashion. Nope, we actually skip around from time period to time period in our lives. So, when you went to the bar, you might have left from your parents house on, say, break from college, but at closing time, when every boy and every girl leaves, you may return to your parents house 10 years later, because you are a drop-out no-good loser.

Thus, closing time is not only another beginning's end, but an end that actually comes before a beginning. That unanswers the answer we gave you above, which is totally sweet, because we don't give real answers anyway!

Next up, we'll discuss the meaning of this Cher lyric from the song "Bang-Bang": "We rode on horses made of sticks I wore black you wore white." Betcha can't wait!

Last time: Should I quit my job?

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