Real questions. Unreal answers.

6/1/09

Dear Ask Boz,

What happened to partying like it was 1999?
Marcy, Holland

Dear Marcy,

I don't know about you, Marcy, but we here at Ask Boz have never stopped! How do we do it? Our 1999 Re-enactment Force is dedicated to reliving key events from 1999, giving us the feel of those wonderful, innocent days when a pre-crazy Britney Spears ruled the charts with her innovative, ground breaking hits like "Baby One More Time." A time when the planet got a little smaller, and we all got a little more Hispanic as we shook our multi-cultural booties to Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit of ...)"

I'm not going to lie, maintaining the 1999 feeling can be expensive. For instance, once a year we have to launch a replica Mars Climate Orbiter and lose contact with it at 9:27 PM. Although this eats up a great deal of our annual operating budget, it really adds to that '99 feel, and the after party is always a highlight.

Our re-enactment of the Serbian pullout from Kosovo is considered the most authentic re-enactment of any battle in the entire Serbo-Croat War. Personally, I think the Momix recreation of the Battle of Dalmatia is really quite realistic, if "realism" is defined by a bunch of emaciated dancers in tights pretending to shoot little finger guns.

We have Elian Gonzalez in our closet! Every April 22nd a Swat Team descends on the Ask Boz compound and rescues him for his return to our glorious comrades in Cuba. Elian demands a fee of a thousand dollars, which he hands over to his glorious father Fidel upon his return. Together, they burn the money and read Castro's poem "A Glorious Ode to the Proletarian Revolutionary Rose which Grows in the Evil Garden of Soulless Capitalism # 7." Really, it's a day we all look forward to. Viva La Revolucion!

Marcy, we understand that not everyone has the unlimited resources of Ask Boz to fund their recreations. Here are a couple of cheap ways to keep the party going:

  • Bring back Pluto! It was still a planet in 1999. Mix up a pitcher of Pluto Punch and celebrate our lost, beloved ninth planet!
  • Acquit president Clinton of Impeachment charges. Go ahead and let him play the saxophone at the after party, but if he asks if you're interested in seeing his "cigar trick," you might want to say no - unless you're in to that kinda thing.

If we all do our part, we can uphold Prince's utopian dream of a an endless '99 party - and that will help us all stay drunk enough so we can forget the 8 years between then and now.

Yours,

Boz


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