Real questions. Unreal answers.

7/8/09

Dear Ask Boz,

my brother is fiv years old now and he stil watches NOGGIN a chanal that is for babies and kids from eleven months to three year olds I think he is too old for this crap and sould sart waching things like sponge bob and iCarly.
Haley, Anchorage AK

Dear Haley,

You are right. The boy is clearly behind in his development. Where you go wrong is your suggestions for what he should do next. He shouldn't be switching to other shows; he should be producing his own!

It is so easy to produce and distribute video these days that the young lad should have his own channel on YouTube. And he should go for one thing: to be the Oprah of young kids. Here are some possible episodes:

Armpit Farting vs The Real Thing: Which Is Funnier? There may be no right answer to this, but a serious debate is certainly needed. Viewer parties will help get the full effect because the impact of smell must be discussed. Finally this issue will be put into national consciousness where it belongs: after the economy but before Global Warming.

"I'm Rubber, You're Glue:" How can such things be true? Could there be a hidden meaning? And just what is a pocketful of posey?

What's That Noise Coming From Mommy and Daddy's Room? Panelists discuss the possibility that mommy and daddy make those noises as they battle monsters to protect their children. So when mommy says "right there" and "harder" she is probably helping daddy guide his sword to where it counts, with his strongest stroke. That's why daddy says "oh, YEAH!" because he hit the monster in a particularly vulnerable spot.

Giants: Are They Really On Our Side? In this interview the Jolly Green Giant defends his people while frankly discussing the conflicting portrayals of the Abominable Snowman, and the debate over whether Goliath was a giant or just a really tall, mean guy. This is all to promote his new book Jack and the Beanstalk: Giant Attack or Home Invasion?

Start preparing the boy now for stardom and the weight-maintenance roller coaster! Yours,

Boz


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