Ask Boz

4/1/08

Name: tadpole

Location: TN

Question: where can i go online and view a repair manual for a 743 bobcat?

After an exhaustive search* we found this post, that, while not helpful, at least lets you know you're not alone in your plight.

The post does have great meaning, just not pertaining to your question. You see, the "Ditchwitch of Savannah" mentioned in beardgitter's post** is an actual Georgia witch residing in a ditch. Don't look down on her; she's powerful and ancient, and has put quite a few nice touches over the centuries to really spruce up her ditch. She's also really good at fixing power equipment. Doesn't use magic at all, neither. Nope, she gets greasy and knows how to grip a wrench.

Anyhoo, in a few hundred years, when the actual animal bobcat is threatened with extinction, the ditchwitch will leave her ditch for the first time in 230 years. *** She will go to the queen of the bobcats, and offer her a deal: The queen would provide the ditchwitch with her second born female pup, and some occasional fresh kill, and in return the ditchwitch would cast a spell to make bobcats evolve an opposable thumb.

The two shook on the deal, which was very painful for the ditchwitch, and the pack almost attacked at the smell of blood, but this was quickly resolved. As the last generation of the non-thumbed bobcats observed, the ditchwitch cast her spell on four pregnant cats. The litters outstripped the wildest dreams of bobcats and ditchwitches everywhere, as the little whelps emerged with a thumb on each paw.

Obviously, four thumbs is way more than two, and within a few decades the resurgent bobcat had a humming military industrial infrastructure. Unluckily for humans, for whom bobcats hold an immense grudge for their near die-out, this entire weapons manufacturing industry was geared to making a kind of Transformers meets Cyborg Death Cat, with saws for nipples and fifty thumbs on each of its 6 paws, and nice soft orange and black fur. Their one purpose is the gruesome elimination of humans. The ditchwitch designed the gear system and hoe attachments. Ironically, the most deadly model is called the "743 Bobcat."

So, anyway, screw you, people. Super Apes never abandoned our intrinsic connection to Nature, so animals don't hate us. The bobcats even gave us one of the prototype Transmocats, so we're safer from human depravity than ever. Enjoy your doom, greedheads!

*We have redefined this term to "a search requiring minimal effort"
**More on "beardgitting" next time.
***Since the Silo Sorcerer's silo collapsed, he can ditch sit for the ditchwitch's ditch. So don't worry, OK?

Last time: Am I a good mother?

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