THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

I'm considering opening a small business to supplement my income. And while I have a few ideas (24-hr jello and yarn shop, "unicycle-mania," or selling bottled toe jam in the mall), I was hoping you might be able to suggest a nice fit for my talents and interests. What say you?

Jason Cohen

RESPONSORIAL

Sweet, gentle Jason,

How wonderful that you want to expand your life and opportunities. Unfortunately, our research shows that your proposed businesses have little potential. Further, as it seems your “talents” are confined to throwing your forehand as hard as possible, lagging behind on defense, and impregnating your wife, it is difficult to find the “synergy” that would bring such disparate abilities together.

Fear not. We here at Ask Boz occupy the ground floor of a growth industry that may make you rich beyond your wildest imaginings. Radical Islamic Fundamentalism is only now beginning to take off. Not since those wacky Popes started “a-crusadin’” has a religious movement showed so much potential for profit.

Now, here you might say, “But Ask Boz, I’m pretty sure I’m Jewish. Wouldn’t this go against my cultures present difficulties with Radical Muslims?” Well, Jay, our research shows that you are Jewish, which, we guess, is really hard to change, even if your foreskin grows back. So, unfortunately, the answer to your question is "yes." But, rest assured, we’re not talking about terrorists here, only radicals, and trust me, my friend, they are going mainstream.

Here are only a few of the revenue sources we have explored that are already making Ask Boz a lot of sweet, sweet, filthy lucre:

1. Issue a “Fatwah.” Yes, Jay, it is a death threat, but death threats are not what they used to be. In fact, many authors go to sleep at night hoping one will be issued on them the next morning. Our Fatwah against Steven King brought us thousands of dollars in contributions while tripling his already significant book sales. Plus, it made him change his Christine vs. the Love Bug proposal to Christine vs. the Terror-mobile. That’s what we call a “win-win-win.”
2. Start a Jihad. Our Jihad against the Simsbury Grange brought enough contributions that we saw our endowment reach one-million dollars! Again, Jay, there is no need for anyone to be hurt. Nowadays, you can just egg a building and TP their trees. As with Mr. King, the Grange has reported an increase in membership since we began our “assaults.” Everybody’s a winner!
3. Start your own Arab Language Satellite News Operation. Can you say Al-Jayzeera? Can you? No? Can’t you at least try? Oh. Ok. Although Al-AskBozeera is only shown on local cable access, it is generating enough buzz that we think it will soon be purchased by a major communications company. As you know, Al-Jazeera has recently been purchased by Disney … can an Afghanistan theme park be far behind? And again, no one needs to get (seriously) hurt. Just show an image of a guy being tripped, cut to a crowd of cheering bearded men firing AK-47’s in the air, and pretty soon some corporate suits from Comcast will be writing big checks to the Jay-man. Anyway, if you don’t do it, Fox will.

We believe, if you can put the small matter of morals and ethics to the side, you are going to find this little cottage industry will suit you well. If not, ask about our “Exploiting Hippies for Fun and Profit” series of audio tapes.

Thanks for Asking Ask Boz!

Ask Boz

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