THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Toward the end of last summer, I had a conversation with Ask Boz about Ask Boz. Specifically, Ask Boz actually asked me why I have not asked Ask Boz at all. As I pondered the answer to this question, I was suddenly struck by the profound weight of the fact that I have indeed not asked Ask Boz yet. Was I a defunct human being in some way? Was I simply not cool enough to pose a question to Ask Boz? Ask Boz and I tried briefly to come up with a reason why I have not asked Ask Boz, but no easy answer was forthcoming. Ask Boz did, however, suggest that I ask Ask Boz why I have never asked Ask Boz. This, of course, much like anything that emerges from Ask Boz, was a fantastic suggestion. However, I was still reeling from the shock of the simple fact that I had indeed not submitted a query to Ask Boz. So much was I reeling, in fact, that it is now almost the summer of 2005 and I have STILL yet to ask Ask Boz. Thus, I turn to you in desperate search of an answer to the question of why I have not as of yet asked Ask Boz. Is it indeed true that I am simply not cool enough to ask Ask Boz? Am I somehow less of a human being? Are Assman and Rico actually allowed to be in the presence of children? Why, o immortal Ask Boz, have I not asked Ask Boz anything yet?
-Wexler

RESPONSORIAL

After our recent acquisition by The McRosoft Office of Homeland Security Tobacola, LLC., the subsequent move to our Seattle offices, and the slaughter of fully half the Ask Boz research staff by Bill Gates Clonebots, your questions were simultaneously sent to several different researchers in their new, high-tech, fully armed and operational battle cubicles, and these are the answers they came up with:

Jack Bauer, The undersecretary of stopping five catastrophic events in three hours while killing his girlfriend’s husband,

You only have a few seconds here … get up and go out your back door. You have to trust me. OK. In your back yard, behind the woodpile that is up against the fence, there’s a Playstation controller. Hit XOX on the keypad while pressing the left fire button with your pinkie. I said PINKIE! OK, good. I will kill you if I have to. Damn you Marwan!

Where was I? The controller. OK, that command opened up a secret level. Go left around the fence. Jump onto the first floating log. Now, see the colored lights? Watch the pattern that they light up in, and then jump on and copy the pattern. Like Simon. You remember Simon? Follow the lights or I’ll garrote your neck. Complete the correct combination three times and it will open up a Boz Portal, where you may Ask Boz why you haven’t Asked Boz, again.

Office of Tobacaffein development, Secretary of the Freakin' Extreme Jitters Gale Norton,

Are you stupid, or something? Unless you were raised by hippies and had to endure “Daddy Suckle Time,” and other perverse efforts to create one single sex that will rampage through the streets throwing radioactive necklaces and beads at Protestants and businesspersons, and the elite, then you know that ASKING about why you haven’t asked Ask Boz means YOU ARE ASKING ASK BOZ. I assure you I have put in the necessary paperwork to have all your civil rights revoked, while being constantly demeaned by women (more than you already are), beaten by free-range pimps and hustlers, and stripped of your precious merit badge for lavatory cleanup. Write me again and I’ll make you die!

Lawrence Ferlingetti, office of metasymbolic embolism, chief Tobacola taste tester.

A fierce glare / In an empty face / the coming of nothing / before / but what have the children always said to the mamas and the dogs? /Ask Boz/ Ask Boz.

Perhaps the wolf? / No … I fane would lie doon. / Have the birds wheeled in the sky / Too much? Is that their call I hear? / Do all the falling birds cry / Ask Boz / Ask Boz?

The other offices we sent this to said they hate you.

Ask Boz

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