THE ASKTATION

Dear Axe Boz,

As you may or may not know I have a 9-month old daughter. My concern is that I may or may not have sired her. The basis of my concern is her first word. One day while eating "Strained Turkey" my chubby kid pipes up and says "Hu-too-wa-ca" OK, I think, I was hoping for "dada" or anything else in English but whatever. I consulted my library of dictionaries of all 6000 Earth languages only to be disappointed. Closest I could get was "hu-too-wa-cay" which is Old Middle Lakota Sioux for the pluperfect participle of the verb "to pulverize and liquefy birds". I was getting close. Then, while watching Empire, I heard Jabba the Hut intone deeply "Hu-too-wa-ca". The subtitle said, to my amazement "this bounty hunter is my kind of scum." We all know Gerber Strained Turkey is 10% bounty hunter so the meaning of my daughter’s statement is obvious. Listen, I don't mean to be an anti-Huttite but Huts are fat, slimy, one-dimensional cardboard cut-out villains who look really stupid when they walk, like a flesh-colored Grimace. Now, other than freezing her Clifford toy in carbonite, Sara has not done anything Hut-like. But my questions to you are: Is my kid a Hut? Is my wife some kind of Chub-chasing Hut lover? What the heck are these horns growing out of my head? What the hell is a cuckold anyway? Can stuffed blue elephants really play keyboards? Can you write an answer funnier than this question?

Your boy, Steve

RESPONSORIAL

Dearest Steve,

Thanks for asking, Doctor Rigatti – yes, Ask Boz can be funnier. In fact, new Ask Boz 4.0 Optimized is not only funnier, it comes to you faster, 32% faster than the competition on average*, meaning Ask Boz saves you time to move morosely along in the void you call a life, while it saves you from your humdrum, blah, gray, pallid existence with new brand-new content.

The features are too numerous to mention, but that has not stopped us before. First, a look at what has been added:

1. Ask “Ask Boz” – Have you ever Asked Boz, then realized you wanted to Ask Ask Boz, but you didn’t know how, or what the hell you were thinking? Now, with our easy to use user interface for use by our users, based on the popular “Ask Ask Maury Povich” platform, Ask Boz itself will compose a question for itself, better even the question you would have asked, as you are simply a hollowed out husk.
2. “I’m Ask Boz” – You probably know about this one, since it has garnered most of the press, and not a bit of controversy. A tiny yet painful chip is implanted in your brain, transmitting neural “Boz bursts” into your cranial subcortexabellum allowing you to finally, mercifully, stop being yourself and start “getting your Ask Boz on.” Now instead of your normal colorless responses to questions, you will say the kinds of things that garners Ask Boz so many laughs, but will probably get you investigated by the Department of Homeland Security.
3. Fully interactive answers. No longer limited to a few vaguely related pictures and web-pages, Ask Boz can now offer on-demand video, animation, and sound. Imagine the possibilities when someone asks a question about shocking bodily functions. … imagine the shock when we publish an expose about what Ed Avery and Jason Flock are really up to (do you really know what a chin strap is?) Imagine the police response when Glen asks about dating inappropriately young girls.

Along with these new features, we have fixed some of the problems with the previous release of Ask Boz, and improved one of our most popular pages. Here are the patches and upgrades from 3.0:

1. Default Hippy Joke patch – No more automatic default to a hippy joke when Ask Boz has painted itself into a humor corner. Those smelly, putrid, puss dripping morons can rest as there is now only a 30% chance that they will be the “go to” filler. Added to the mix– random Simpsons quotes (“all right brain, you don’t like me and I don’t like you”), snippets from offensive Rico drunk emails (“…and how abot them Eskimo’s hotties they gt me soo hott”) and vulgar Klingon translations ( “tlhap jIH Daq lIj [genitals]”)
2. The upgrade of our popular “Ask Boz Sports” page is complete. We don’t want to give anything away, but the sports terms “long snapper,” “three-hole player,” and “fisted foul” will never be the same.

All Ask Boz subscribers will get this update automatically. You will know you have received it by the pop-up message that appears on your screen, and the stabbing pain in your glottis.

Enjoy your slightly less empty lives,

Ask Boz

* When compared to “Ask Scott’s Underpants,” “Ask Fisher’s Hot Young Girlfriend,” “Ask Ann’s Aunt Gina,” and “Ask Glen about Nascar.” To be honest, it is slower than “Ask Rico and Assman to do embarrassing things for negative attention,” since they’ve usually done it before you asked.

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