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Asktation

Dear Ask Boz,

Does Ask Isadora make Ask Boz question his ability to perform under pressure?

Jason Hines, CT


Responsorial

The only thing that Ask Isadora makes Ask Boz question is "how do we get to be called "certified sexologists"? We're already certified "nerdologists," "hairologists," "hippyhateologists," and "ologologists," but we really freakin' want to be "sexologists"! It sounds totally randy! What's the curriculum like? Hot and steamy? Wouldn't the classes be really, really full? Do you get an honorary sexology degree for doing porn, or being a perv? Why are we asking the questions? You guys can't respond; you're all idiots!

We'll tell you the problem with Ask Isadora, though. The answers! Her questions, much like ours, come from the empty-headed masses, who probably mistakenly typed a coherent question out while trying to retrieve some morsels of food that fell into their keyboard. But her answers are just so conservative. They are based on the tired "Question/Answer" model. Boring! Ask Boz uses the much more shee-shee "Question/Pretend to answer/Berate questioner/Pretend we forgot what we were asked and apologize/Digress/Berate reader/Close like we answered" model. Stupid.

Here's how we'd answer a real Ask Isadora question: "My boyfriend belches and lets out audible farts in public. I have told him this is not socially acceptable behavior and that it really grosses me out. He says it’s a “guy thing” and if I don’t like it I can leave. Otherwise, he’s great company, cute, witty and well-educated. What should I do?"

It depends on your definition of what a society is. Here at Ask Boz central, we are a society of Super Apes. We take it as great rudeness when people don't belch and fart publicly. And you'd better, too, because we strictly forbid either act in private. And we'll know. Yes we will. Yes we will, little poochy munchkin! Mmmmhmmmm. Yeeesssss. Good girl. Good girl!

Trust us, the Fart Police are only outdone by the Burp Police in ruthless efficiency. The punishment? You have to study to be a "chasteologist." They really hike up the chastity belt prices at the campus bookstore, too. And it's no wonder that the "used" pile looks untouched. That would be studying "yuckology," if you ask us.

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