Real questions. Unreal answers.

9/28/11

Dear Ask Boz,

Why won't my beard connect to my mustache?
Jorge

Dear Jorge,

It's fairly simple: your mustache hates your beard.

You see, Jorge, mustaches almost always have beard envy. They feel like they are getting screwed, while the beard totally has it easy. And you know, they have a point. Let me make a bulleted list so you can follow this easily, ya dummy.

  • MUSTACHES are constantly getting breathed on. Imagine, every few seconds snotty nose breath whistles past your every strand, over and over again, all day and night. It NEVER stops! Do you understand! IT NEVER STOPS!!!
    WHILE BEARDS are protected from bad breath by the shape of the face.
  • MUSTACHES are constantly being dipped into liquid just long enough that hundreds of hairs fear they may drown before the cup is pulled away and that stupid "AAAAAAAaaaaahhhhhhhhHHHH!!" sound is made.
    WHILE BEARDS are protected from liquids by the shape of the face.
  • MUSTACHES have the embarrasing duty of obscuring protruding nose hair
    WHILE BEARDS rarely need to cover up mouth hair.
  • MUSTACHES have snots drip into them, drop on them, and get blown at high speeds through them
    WHILE BEARDS have crumbs drop into them that people make jokes about, or gently brush them out. Tell someone he has snot on his mustache, and you won't hear him say "I'm saving that for later." Though he should.

So, Jorge, your mustache is angry. You need to find a way for to calm it down a little. You know, tell it that it's not the beard's fault that it grew where it did. My full beard came together when I convinced my mustache to friend my beard on Facehairbook. My mustache got to know my beard a little and saw that he wasn't so bad. Now you can't keep them apart!

Except with a razor. But oh how they cry and scream and carry on when I try to shave them.

Anyway, if that doesn't work, I know a really good Hair Therapist who specializes in just this thing. She's a little pricey, but if this is important to you then it's worth it. So check the pictures of the full beards she's gotten together on her website - pretty damn impressive!

Boz


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