Dear Ask Boz,

Although it can be argued that beer has already impacted the world greatly, beer will not truly change the world until 2018, when the first Drunk-American President is elected.

For years, Drunk-Americans have been controlled by Sober-Americans because, well, they were too drunk to give a shit. Or even if they were really pissed off by it, they forgot in the morning, because they were too busy trying to figure out why the hell they were wearing their mother's underwear.

But President Barney will change all that. By bringing his campaign right to the drunks, he deals with issues they care about most. Like why the air-hockey table is always broke, or that it should be legal to pee in the sink. The key to his success, though, is his brilliant speech, repeated in pubs and taverns throughout America: "Beers are on me!"

You'd think this generosity would bankrupt Barney, but Barney is not just a Drunk-American, he's part of Drunk Mensa! He's an alcoholic genius! You see, although he pays for every round, he also collects campaign contributions. Plus, he always campaigns during happy hour.

As important as his drinking are his visionary campaign promises:

Health Care: Barney's health care plan is summed up in one word: Free Beer. President Barney understands that when people are drunk, they're happy. But more importantly, they don't care! Irresponsibility is the cornerstone of Barney's health care reform. Careless, happy people don't bother taking care of themselves. And when they do have to see the doctor, it's a lot easier to care for them because they're happily buzzed. Soon, you too will visit General Hospitale Taverne.

Gay Marriage: Drunk America will share a new belief about gay behavior: Who cares? After all, who hasn't crossed a line or two after a tall frosty? President Barney has: he woke up married to a cow! Three different times!

There was supposed to be a bunch more, but the Attorney General kept starting games of Beer Pong on the Oval Office desk. Maybe in his second term!

Boz

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