THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

My love life is in shambles. I've spent the last six years chasing Ann Cassidy, and have finally given up. Which other woman of summer league do you feel has the best potential to be my "Soul Mate?" I'm tall, reasonably fun to be around, shower occasionally, and have never been disfigured in tractor accident. In fact, my mother even tells me I'm handsome. Surely there's someone out there so desperate that I would seem like a good catch?

Big Mike

RESPONSORIAL

Dear "Big" Mike,

The problem, as you do not seem to understand, is not in the women, it is in you. Your complete lack of personality and interestingness is summed up in your most boring nickname: “BIG.” Even you have come to refer to yourself by this name. Yet, this seemingly positive description boxes you in. It is completely about the most obvious feature you have.

Now, the simplest, and least expensive way to improve your Relationship Output Quotient (ROQ) by at least 5 points would be to have a catchy intervening description. What girl wouldn’t want to be with Big “H20” Mike, Big “Boom Boom” Mike, or Big “Weezie” Mike? Unfortunately, our research shows that you already have a commonly used intervening description, which indicates you are either homosexual or very happy. Perhaps in a better world it wouldn’t be so, but this little nickname drops your ROQ by seven points.

Never fear! Ask Boz has come up with a plan that guarantees relationship success or twice your money back! (Complimentary knife set must be returned upon cancellation.) In our life as Boz, we stumbled upon a foolproof method for attracting girls: lying. This isn’t your garden variety lying, like, “that doesn’t make you look fat,” or “no, I’m not drunk again,” but the actual manufacturing of entire “life facts” to make you more interesting to a potential mate. For instance, Boz went around telling everyone that he was writing a novel. While this was untrue, it attracted several girls, a future wife, and, unfortunately, Glen. Now, Boz just stumbled upon this. Ask Boz has made it into a science that will get you a mate within ten days and tests out to be 97% Glen proof!

We have found that saying you were in the Special Forces is nearly foolproof. Almost impossible to check for truth, this background wraps you in a cloak of mystery. More importantly, it makes your greatest weakness, lack of personality, into a strength. Of course you are prone to brooding silences after what you have done and seen. Of course you sit at the kitchen table drinking case after case of beer; did she hear the screaming? Of course you say wildly inappropriate things after all you have been through.

For only pennies a day, Ask Boz will provide you with all the “evidence” you need of your service. Dog Tags, X-Rays of shrapnel lodged in your spine, pictures of you in your “buddies” drinking and smiling while holding the mutilated remains of your enemies. Our “Republic of Blankenstan” kit comes with a map of the “country” you were assigned to, its major imports and exports, and articles and video footage of its evil ruler. And just think of the sympathy that any of the following behaviors will attract:

1. Sitting grimly in your camp chair staring into space;
2. Jumping at a loud noise and shouting some phrase. While “fire in the hole” has been compromised, Ask Boz will provide you with an entire list of appropriate alternatives. How about "swing the hammer"? No? Oh. we kinda liked that one. Well....
3. Saying mysterious things like: “I wasn’t so big until those damn Blankies…” or "That's just like when my buddy Karl brought me to that whore tent in the jungle, and I ...." Remember, not ending mumbled sentences means a “happy ending” for Big Mike.

It all begins now, Mike. Go to summer league, pick out the girl of your dreams, sidle on up to her, and start shouting. She may be taken aback at first, but as soon as the shaking and sweating starts, she’ll be holding you and cooing, “It’s OK, Big Mike. I’m here now.”

You can't thank us enough, but still try

Ask Boz

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