Dear Ask Boz,

Since the beginning, mankind has looked at free flying birds with a sense of wonder that is mingled with murderous jealousy. Their example has inspired us to design amazing flying machines that imitate their release from gravity. But the "in-your-face" joy that birds obviously take from flight stokes our envious rage, forcing us to shoot them from the sky, point at them, and say "Hah! Where's your wondrous freedom now?"

All the while, we ask "How do they do it?" For years we've heard a lot of crap about hollow bones and aerodynamics. And we've bought it all, believing we're just too fat, our bones too full of meat, to ever achieve personal flight.

But if you're like me, you kept asking yourself "Is this all true research, or another money grab by evil academics?" My research tells me that there is a conspiracy happening on the level of Climategate.

I have intercepted emails sent between the Federal Aviation Administration and renowned ornithologists that show a decades-long cover-up of the real reason that birds can fly: they're powered by rockets in their butts.

The reason for the cover-up is obvious. The aviation industry depends on the pretend impossibility of personal flight to keep their giant, pollution spewing, claustrophobic, winged phallic symbols in the sky.

The airline industry showers the ornithological establishment with millions of dollars to keep quiet. They fund rocking ornithologist conventions and wild Audubon Swingers Parties.

All of this hides the truth: years of researching bird's hindquarters has produced workable rear-end rocket technology for humans!

Of course, the military is in on it ... my understanding is an entire "Black Ops" Division of the Air Force is using the ass-rocket in top secret raids on Saskatchewan (yeah, I don't get that part either!)

It's up to us to blow the lid off this scandal! Let's get the Aviation-Audubon Complex on the run, and get us some Butt Power! Soon, we'll be flying to work, playing Quidditch for real, and diving from enormous heights to catch our prey in our talons! It's going to be sweet!

Boz

I'll be updating before the 25th. The question: "Why do I hate Christmas?"

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