First Name: Desmond
Location: Dharma, Swan Pond
Question: I'm stuck on a stupid island with a bunch of losers who took my friggin boat. What should I do?

Ok. We're going to break this down so we're sure we understand. You're stuck on an island. On this island, there are people. These people have taken your boat. This brings us to the idea of "losers." Clearly, there are two kinds of losers on your island. One kind is the type of loser that takes a boat but doesn't use it to escape the island.

The second kind of loser we like to call "You."

See, the fact that they have your boat makes you the ultimate loser here. The fact that you don't know you're the loser makes you a double loser. The fact that you're on the island with the people that have your boat and you can't get it back makes you ... go back to being a single loser because it's unexpected.

Here's how to get your boat back and get away from the island: Since you're already a super-loser, stage a series of competitions. Go for it and make them really hard, because your goal is to lose every one. With each loss, scream louder and louder about what a jerk and a moron you are. Lose the last event by a slim margin. Break down sobbing, actually tear hair out of your head, and shout "Why do I do everything wrong? Why can't I win? I'm the biggest loser ever!"

Now you will see the exquisite "total lose" nature of our plan. They will either a.)Beat you with logs and rocks until you die, out of a mixture of pity and disgust. b.)Let you be the acknowledged loser of the group, where your role would be to endure endless jokes about your disturbingly close-set eyes, your girly nose, and your pasty, weak, moist chin. And all the other stuff that is pathetic about you, stubby. Periodically, you will be cruelly hurt in ways befitting your lowly status.

On the happy side, no matter how long you're stuck on the island or the boat, don't worry about cannibalism. No one wants to eat a loser.

Ask Boz

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