What are boobs for?

from Sierra and Pete O.

God is usually pretty closed mouthed about the naughty parts, but we happened to pick a good day when we asked "Him" about breasts. Good day meaning "He" was terribly cross about something, and was in the mood to tell angry stories about how mankind had let him down time and time again. And there is just such a story behind the boobs.

In Eleventh Eden (Don't even get God started about Eden One through Ten. Though make sure you laugh when he says, "Tom Hanks should play Adam in Eden Thirteen.") God was still trying to give humans a way to attack other creatures. Every damn time "He" would give Adam claws or horns, Adam would end up goring Eve, then goring God's creatures faster than "He" could create them. Or clawing himself in ungodly places. So he had to switch to Eve. "He" looked her over, which "He" kinda did a lot, being God and all, but, hey, "He" was her creator, so "He" did have the right to check her over... So it's not creepy. Right?

So! God thinks, "Nipples look a lot like dials." Then God thinks, "What if they really were dials?" God pumped a fist, sending ripples through the great abyss. "One setting would be on "Milk" for the wee ones. The next could spray, wellllll....steaming milk! Yes! To scald her foe! YEEEEEEEEEES! And another will be ink, so she can blind her enemy and flee! Really hot burning ink!" God found "Himself" panting, raising his arms in the air, and doing a little dance under the Tree of the Knowledge of "OK" and "Pretty Bad." He twirled and twirled, shouting, "Of course! It was the women all along that were meant to be the defender of the family! With these weaponized boobs, Womankind will be just the species to tame the myriad beasts I will soon hereafter create!" He went on for another 20 minutes, but that was the important stuff.

At first it worked. As men and women began to procreate, the women kept all predators at bay with a well timed and deadly aimed spray of hot foamy breast milk. Soon, Womankind was thriving just as "God" wanted, and "He" began to relax as it was clear the species had what it took to manage "His" world.

But who screwed it up? Don't blame the snakes or the ladies! Yup, Men! Still physically strong, the men loved to lift up women, dial them to the desired liquid, and run after friends squirting them with boob juice. Surprisingly, women didn't mind this at all. They actually found it terribly amusing. Soon, they too would dial up a hot squirt of ink at someone bent over the drinking pool, laughing while giving them terrible burns. You know God got mad, and kicked Adam, Eve and their offspring out of yet another Garden, to join a bunch of other Adams and Eveses and offspringees. Oh, and this one guy named Ricky that God made when "He" decided that the whole Adam and Eve thing just wasn't working out. Ricky tends to keep to himself.

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