THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Why the hell did the great state of Montana name a town after you?

Jake

RESPONSORIAL

Dearest Jake,

Though answers to your question has been exhaustively explored in the 5 volume Ask Boz, the early years, 1670 - 1918, one would imagine that with a nick-name like "Assman" you probably don't get around to reading too much. We're going to have to bring you a ways back to explain, so get a fresh cup of joe and settle in.

Even we don't know everything about the origins of Ask Boz. The first mention is in Of Plymouth Plantation, where it was reported that, "The governor did befeech Aft Boz upon the difposition of the corn cropf and the likelihood of rain in coming monthf, and Aft Boz did anfwer, 'Good cropf cometh only when the elderf of the town do parade around the square thrice dressed as women and leading goatf and with with dirty diaperf draped upon their heads.' " Seemingly, the elders of the town followed this advice, and were "jeered at thrice and given the finger by the idiot and the mud-woman" leading to "much anger againft Aft Boz so that the Lord God did speak againft him and he was driven from town to live amongft the favages." Little was he heard of after that, except his answers were much better received amongst the Shrekpunzel tribe, and they called him "Ashmenthumeal" which translates to "Ask Boz."

Re-emerging in the 1770's as "Thou Asketh Boz," Ask Boz has been given credit as one of the progenitors of the American Revolution. It is believed his answer to the question, "How Should we Let the English know our Displeasure forthwith and with all Due Haste, as well as Quickly and Fast?" led to one of the first acts of protest against the British. His advice? They should "Dress up as Women and throw all the Over-taxed Goats in Towne into the Boston Harbor." Unfortunately, there were only three goats in Boston, and the few men that followed this advice were arrested for, "Shocking Dress and Questionable Behavior with stolen Farm Animals." However, historians point to the fact that the next week was the the copy-cat Boston Tea Party, forever eclipsing the Boston Goat Party, but also leading to freedom for the colonies.

It was out to the Wild West after that. There, Ask Boz created that beloved Western saying "harder than putting panties on a goat" at his "Shoot 'em up Ask Boz triple Wilde Goatstravaganza." This was the most popular of the short-lived "Wild Goat Cross-dressing Cowboy Gun Circus" events. As you can tell, both the popular saying, and the short livedidness of the event, was because the name was so confusing that the cowboys usually dressed up the goats as women. And, by all accounts, these were some sexy goats. In fact, this led many of the local men to leave their wives and "get hitched" to the "hootchie goats," as they came to be called. Having broken 5 ordinances and at least six commandments, Ask Boz ran to Montana, cleverly disguised as Askitus Bozeman and founded the town "Bozeman." If you want to know the rest, pick up the 67 volume set and teach your ass to read, 'cause we know your brain can't handle it.

I'm the one with the missing socks.

Ask Boz

---

Home