Ask Boz
7/11/08
First Name: Leigh Question: Connecticut
Question: I thought my friend at work, Brad, just had bad taste in music, but I think he is actually a dirty hippie. He claims to play Ultimate but I'm positive that is his codeword for "drum circle". Although he doesn't reek of patchouli, he asked me once if I thought it would be lucrative to sell grilled cheeses in the parking lot at lunchtime. Should I stop talking to him? I mean, I don't want to catch it.
First of all, Ultimate doesn't need to be a code word for another embarrassing hippy activity. Though it does attract some normal people, they are in serious danger of being absorbed into the hippy collective. Just look at the "rules." Did you know that they make their own foul calls - and people still don't cheat? How stupid is that? Smells like hippy to us! Here at the AB.C we play Foultimate, where there is no successful play unless you foul your opponent - and we mean foul! Degrade to win!
So this is a pretty strong indication that your co-worker is indeed a hippy. It has become harder and harder to detect these creatures, because many hippies have gone underground by bathing and brushing their teeth. Still, here are a few simple ways to test whether or not this "Brad" is one:
- Place finger cymbals on your desk. He will not be able to resist putting them on, clapping them together, and doing a slow spinning dance.
- Photoshop pictures of Jerry Garcia and Tupac Shakur arm-in-arm, clearly older and hanging out by a pool in some tropical paradise. Put it face down on the floor in his cubicle when he's not there. Listen carefully. If you hear some gentle sobbing, and Brad keeps saying "I knew it" with a catch in his voice, then you got hippy.
- Hippies can't help laughing if you make puns using the band name "Phish." If he laughs at more than one, it's a good indication that he is a lice-ridden foul-smelling lacto-ovo-vegan hippy!
- If some of your co-workers will play along, any time he passes by, say "It was a good show, but they didn't play "Ripple"" If, even though it is the fifth time he has passed, he comes to your group like a moth to a flame, he is a dirty dirty hippy and you should hurt his feelings.
Although there is no known cure for this affliction, there is some evidence that prolonged exposure to normal society can remove some of the most extreme behaviors, such as lack of hygiene, constant spinning, and listening to the Dead. The fact that he has a job is a sign that there might be hope, but ... What's that? He plays what? Hockey? Oh. It's worse than we thought. He's Canadian, too. Listen, Leigh, the best advice we can give is quit. Now. Leave everything behind and just go. Do it! You don't know the kind of danger you're in!
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