THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

How many ultimate players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Sierra

RESPONSORIAL

Dearest Sierra,

Your ignorance astounds me. Don’t you know Heisenstanker’s Principle? You cannot know the number of ultimate players and the speed of their bulb screwing at the same time. You can only know one or the other. So, for instance, I can tell you that right now there are seven ultimate players in a room talking about how dull Bill Mill is. The girls are saying the “Mill” stands for “millimeter.” I can tell you that somewhere else there is at least one, but possibly more than one, ultimate player(s) screwing in a light bulb at the rate of one LBSR (Light-Bulb Screw Rate) per Askmillibozsecondrope. But that’s pretty useless information, isn’t it Sierra? ISN’T IT! Then why the hell did you ask? Dammit, Sierra! Sometimes you really don’t use your head.

What’s the question a smart person would ask Ask Boz? How the hell would you know? Ask Boz would have asked Ask Boz: “Ask Boz, in a light bulb in screwing competition, or race thingy, how would a team of, say, six ultimate players do against groups from other obscure and mocked underground cultural events? Hi.” – with undying love to Ask Boz, Ask Boz. Great question, Ask Boz! Here are your answers!

Ultimate players versus Dungeons and Dragons players: While the ultimate players got right down to business, selecting captains and pretending they’d cut any person with no real bulb “game,” the level 14 Paladin smote Rico with his “+5 Blade of Death to Manwhores.” Because Rico’s death was no real loss, the ultimate players discussed the best male/female ratio for bulb screwing, while the Wizard fired off the Curse “Frisbee is a Wuss-Sport.” This made Kevin the sensitive hippy cry, and run away, flapping his arms all the way home to his “Mommums.” Then the Chaotic Good Ranger whupped up on everyone in a very positive manner. The Thief proceeded to screw in the light bulb, and then he stole it.

Ultimate: 0 bulbed

Other Mocked Subcultures: 1 bulbed

Ultimate Players versus Dominatrix Cha-Cha Club - At first repelled, soon simply curious, the ultimate players realized that, despite the typically revealing costumes and the obligatory whip, these ladies only wanted to dominate with the hypnosis from their swaying hips and abrupt cha-cha moves. As they began to spin and whirl amongst each other, Smott Brandenburg cleverly yelled, “pick!” This made them stop their dance and stand around, while Frank argued with them. Just then, Smott oiled up Irene and tossed her whirling into the air. She has an extra arm, ‘cause she’s that cool, so she dominantly screwed in three light bulbs, while yelling, “Take that, whip chicks!” Unfortunately, the Dominatrix’z were so despondent over this clear bulb defeat that their whips sagged and their spiked heels became blunt. Only by giving them thoroughly pre-dominated smelly hippy loser Kevin did their cruel sneers begin to return.

Ultimate: 3 bulbs

Despised “Others”: 1 bulb

Ultimate Players versus The Efficient Light Bulb Installers Club: This seemed like a mismatch out of the gate, until the players realized that the other club had only one member, and that member was only Jonas. Just then, someone (rumor has it that it was Ask Boz) remarked that Jonas looked remarkably like a light bulb. This made Jonas cry like a little beanpole hippy after you take his precious juggling sticks away. Right then, the mysterious and astounding Ann Cassidy screwed in a bulb, and did it with some aplomb. And an apple. And a plum. Meaning she screwed those in, too, without electrocuting herself. Made the room smell kinda nice, too. Thanks again, Ann.

Ultimate 4 bulbs and 2 fruits

Other Mocked Losers: 1 bulb and 0 fruit

So you see Sierra, when intelligent people ask smart people questions, then they get smart people answers. Keep trying! Your failures amuse those that despise you.

Ask Boz

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