Real questions. Unreal answers.

8/5/09

Dear Ask Boz,

Why does my bum itch?
Ian, Connecticut

Dear Ian,

Congratulations on your purchase of a Bum. Here at Bum Corp. we pride ourselves on our international selection of Bums. Our Bums are guaranteed for life as long as you handle them according to the "Care for your Bum" Guidebook that came with your Bum.

We are sorry to hear that you are having problems with your Bum. Alert us immediately if your Bum is exhibiting any of the following behaviors: talking coherently; behaving reasonably; trying to find a job; going to the library to read instead of sleep; smelling good; dressing well. As soon as we receive your notification, Bum Corp will send one of our Bum counselors to your home and have your Bum adjusted back to factory settings. However, if we cannot reset your Bum to his/her proper condition, we will exchange him/her for a new one. Please return your Bum in a securely packed and approved shipping container. You can buy one directly from us at BuyABum.com!

Bum Corp understands that with the benefits of owning a Bum come great responsibility. We choose our Bums because they are the best, which means they exhibit the most desirable Bum behavior. As the "Care for your Bum" Guidebook explains, you cannot return your Bum if he/she is displaying normal Bum behavior.

You cannot return your Bum for any of the following: lice; tattered clothing; nudity; contents of shopping cart; sex with family members; sex with others; sex with owner; sex with self; homicide; suicide; death; odor; tracking mud on the carpet; urinating/defecating outside of designated areas; babbling incoherently; suddenly saying something wise and true; sleeping on or in cardboard boxes; sleeping on the sewer grate outside the house; lapsing into a coma; developing itchy rashes; drug use; drug abuse; running a drug factory; accusing inanimate objects of wrongdoing; objectophilia; lighting trash can fires; drunkenness; flatulence; blasphemy; orthodoxy; erections lasting longer than four hours; treason; priapism; dancing; skipping; traipsing; playing chess; theft; panhandling; hopping freight trains; receiving SSI; predicting the end of the world; narcolepsy; necrophilia; cannabalism; Republicanism; survivalism; Ovo-Lacto Veganism.


Boz


Last time: Guinness Record Felonies

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