THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

I swear that bellow this comment box it said "fresh baked bunny" instead of "fresh baked funny". Am I losing my mind?

RESPONSORIAL

Far from losing your mind, you have actually shown a very perceptive insight into how Ask Boz works. You have caught a glimpse of the Ask Boz Artificial Intelligence Hyper Super Bizarreness Acceptance Analyzer and Booty Steamer Jang-jang, or (IHSBAASBJ-j) for short. Put simply, the Analyzer ameliorates the dichotomy by parsing the larphic matrices of the nuanced obfuscator ... wait ... sorry, that's putting it complexly. Whoops ;) Putting it simply, the Analyzer reads the mind of every reader, and adjusts each Ask Boz response to fit the absurdity acceptance level of said reader. The fact that you saw "baked bunny" for a moment, before seeing the more acceptable "baked funny," means you are on the cusp between those who can handle moderate bizarityness, and those that like their freaky-deaky in large, steaming doses of crazy-hooo-hooo. OK?

So let's give a few examples of how this works with the question we use to calibrate the IHSBAASBJ-j: "May I touch your botty hole, please?" First, we will show the answer at the "NORMAL" level. Those who read Ask Boz at the "NORMAL" level think it is an actual advice column, dispensing home-spun, practical wisdom for any and all who seek it. For those who are constantly ANGRY, Ask Boz is an affirming place to vent emotion, preventing these maniacs from a violent existence of ripping potted plants out by the roots and passive-aggressively throwing foreign coins into toll booth coin collecting trays. Finally, ABSURD readers see Ask Boz as a home for completely non-sensical responses to real questions (boy are they off the mark!)

For NORMAL readers:
Dear Questioner: What a very nice suggestion! We would be happy to let you touch our botty hole if you can make it down to Ask Boz Central. As you are probably aware, our botty hole is tied up during the day producing botty juice, the staple sustenance for all Super Apes. However, there is a tour on Fridays that includes the touching of the botty hole. Of course, you must go through the ritual cleansing before you will be permitted to touch the botty hole; this takes several hours, and a few layers off your dermis. Bring a change of skin! Ha, ha. Just teasing. However, many people do report that touching the botty hole is quite a life-changing experience, so do be prepared to subsequently alienate all your friends, abandon personal hygiene, and give over all your worldly possessions to Askbozdotcom LLC.

For ANGRY readers: What the hell is a "botty" hole, anyway? You dumb, stupid, foolish, illiterate jerkhead. We've seen hippies after a three day acid bender spell better, and hippies are useless no good smelly drop-outs. And, if you meant "booty hole," well, you're dumb, and YUCK! Have you ever even thought what it would take to touch the booty holes of an entire collective? Have you ever even thought? Plus, did you ever stop and consider that we might not be into that kinda thing? You are a foul, insensitive, moronic, insane uber-jerk with a brain stuck on stupid!
Have a good one,
love,
Ask Boz.

For ABSURD readers: As most of you know, the existence of the botty hole is still steeped in mystery; despite the fact that we have possessed a botty hole for several decades, AB.C is still working on figuring out its true uses. Ask Boz scientists have managed to send several monkeys through the aperture in the botty hole: they've clearly dissapeared into it, but there have been no ascertainable results, except for that we now have fewer monkeys. So, the thought of "touching the botty hole" is really the idea of intermingling with the infinite, the unknown, to try to gain some connection the ineffable nature of the bozmos. This opens us all up to the absurdity of trying to figure everything out, and gives us a kind of security that, despite all the mysteries, the universe still runs along, so maybe we should just trust in it, try to be good, and make the best of things. Also, we hope that the botty hole produces really good French fries when we figure it out. Because it gives off a smell of really good French fries. Some of us think that the monkeys are enjoying a lovely existence of eating really good French fries, then dying a sweet death from terribly clogged arteries. Lucky bastards.

By the way, about the last part of the name of the IHSBAASBJ-j. There's nothin' like a little steamed booty at the end of a hard day of answering questions. All the parts that you want to keep soft and moist stay that way, and the flavor is trapped right in. And don't worry, the steaming process closes up any holes, making the "touching" issue a non-factor. That's where the saying "No holes in that steamed booty" comes from, by the way. As for Jang-jang, if you don't have any, you don't need to know, Bozzatch!

Home