THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Can light sabers cut through Captain America's sheild?

RESPONSORIAL

Of course we know the answer. In fact, this was one of the first tests ever conducted in our new "Fictional Weaponry and Defense Systems" Lab. And what a test it was! It was all Ask Bozzes could talk about for weeks, and it dominated the headlines of "The Ask Boz Republican Mouseketeer."

But, despite the amazing coolness of the test, and the unexpected health food by-products created from it, we simply can't tell you the results. Why? Because, you guessed it, if we do, the terrorists will win.

On the one hand, if the results are that lightsabers can cut through Captain America's shield, you can just guess what would happen. Soon, lightsaber wielding radicals will be running through the streets of Baghdad and Kandahar, lopping off heads with maniacal glee. What's that? With only lightsabers, they'll be vulnerable to conventional weapons? What, did you grow up on some hippy commune where you can't watch the greatest movies ever? They'll block the bullets, rockets, ten-ton bombs and fragment grenade explosions with the lightsabers, stupid. Thus emboldened, they won't even have to dress in women's clothing and hide in civilians' houses anymore. Although, we think, some of them are just into that kind of thing. Like, you can just hear one guy saying, like, "Jamal Hazzard-Haji-Duke, we're inside a cave 500 feet below the earth. You can take off that lovely skirt and blouse number." To which Jamal mutters "Doesn't feeling pretty ever matter?"

Or, what if Captain America's shield repels lightsaber attacks? Then the coalition will be facing a nearly unstoppable enemy. Not because of their superior fire power, but because of their new clothing. Imagine terrorists dressed in robes and turbans made up of this impenetrable material! Bullets will simply bounce off them! The only thing that may be on our side is that the shield material only holds its power when colored red, white and blue. So there would probably be some conflict over that. But if they got over it, look out. They could kind of just walk up to their enemies and punch them and give 'em the old knee in the groin ... you know, work 'em over mobster style and take their time. Plus, our friend Jamal from the previous paragraph would be having way too much fun coordinating a nice burkha and head scarf look from all the possible combinations of the three colors.

The danger doesn't end there, however. We see a 73% chance of a George Lucas and Marvel comic team-up due to their love of extended, confusing story lines full of characters and conflicts that you can't keep track of. Imagine lightsaber slashing Sunnis versus shield bearing Shiites, throw in coalition troops, innocent bystanders, some kind of terrible stereotyped International Banking cartel, Captain America, and Jar Jar Bin-Laden, and you have a Lucasfilms blockbuster. The tie-ins alone would be terribly troubling. What if little Billy can't keep track of the bad guys, and makes up some pleasant story line about the heroic Taliban giving the beat down to the annoyingly over-muscled Captain America? He's already on meds and seeing the psychologist three times a week ... what are you going to do with Billy now? Well? Answer us!

So, you understand our decision. Still, if you really must know the answer, simply email us all your worldly possessions and submit yourself to Ask Boz. Do it quick, too ... this months initiation is "Steal the one ring before it is thrown in the fires of Mount Doom." So far, only five people have been able to do it. A sixth one ring would be totally sweet!

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