Ask Boz

6/21/08


Question: What is Charlie Brown's sister named?

Well, of course, you're thinking of Sally, the sister we all know of. But there is another.

Charlie Brown has another sister, a half-sister from a coke laced 4 day rager that Mr. Charles Brown Sr. threw when Charlie's mother was visiting her brother in Attica. He had wild intercourse with a young nurse from a neighboring town. When she revealed to him that she was pregnant, Mr. Brown seized the opportunity for further immorality and began his fourth secret marriage. When their baby girl popped out, he did not hesitate with the name: Charlene Brown.

Unlike his weak, frightened and girly son, Charlene was raised to be the man. Teaching her to be the exact opposite of the brother she is doomed to battle, Charlene excelled at everything Charlie failed at. She became a feared hitter in baseball, and a fearsome pitcher. She was dominant in her relationship with her peers, and they respected her to the utmost while craving her attention and approval. And as far as successfully kicking a football, well, we'll let this excerpt from Charlene Brown, the first nine years tell that story:

Charlene takes two steps back and one to her left. Her friend Lou von Snatch calmly places the football on the ground, puts his finger on the puckered tip of the ball, and turns the laces away. Eyes locked on target, Charlene Brown stutter steps, planting her left foot as her right leg swings back. Lou looks up to the distant goal posts. Charlene punches through the ball and her legs scissor up as air explodes from her mouth. She lands, slightly bent, so she is the same height as Lou coming up from his crouch. They end up with arms around each other as, perfect again, the ball flips high through the uprights.

Charlene's father, pride showing clearly on his face, had this to say about his daughter's performance: "Whhoooooont wooooont waaaaaahh wont want woooooooh."

Frankly, with all of his problems it's surprising they let little ol' Charlie Brown play any sport at all. And pitcher? Pitcher is way too important for a big fat failure like him. Maybe it wasn't because he was good, but everyone else was even more incapable. Lucy would just bean anyone at the plate, Snoopy lacks opposable thumbs, Linus won't put his blanket down, and Schroeder is playing the stadium organ, if you know what we're saying.

Their evil father is planning a showdown between the two on December 21st, 2012. Tickets are $42 dollars in advance and $12 at the door.

Last time: Why are stop signs red?

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