Why is Wisconsin cheddar cheese so different from New York cheddar cheese?

K.E.N., New York

As with many things these days, the answer comes down to politics. Not cow politics, mind you. Cow-Americans are notorious for only caring about a few issues: Udder chafing, invasive veterinarian exams, and the fact that it’s not their fault when dumb southerners and Canadians take the quote “Take the bull by the horns” literally. Generally, Cow-Americans vote Green, Libertarian, or Confused Reactionary Socialist.

No, it is Cowboy politics that causes cheese to taste different. Soft, effete, liberal Wisconsin “Cow-Whisperers” bathe their cheese cows thrice daily, have them listen to NPR (as long as it isn’t some raucous Jazz show), and read them prophecies about the day that Cow’s will rule the Earth.

However, red-meat Yankee Cowboys practice “Tough Cheese,” shunning the cows’ attempt at conversation, refusing branding to masochistic bovines, and harshly critiquing cow poetry in literary journals. While this causes a huge spike in Emo-Cows and Goth-Cows, we must say that the cheese is quite nice, especially on nights where the rain will never end, poetry knows no words, and the third bottle of wine just ain’t enough to hide the pain.

Ask Boz

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