Real questions. Unreal answers.

12/24/09

Dear Ask Boz,

Why do I hate Christmas?
Nick Santos

Dear Nick,

You're just going to have to face it: you're jealous of Jesus. And really, who wouldn't be? After all, he's pretty much got it all, or he will have it all, really soon. Ish.

Here's just some of things that make you so envious of Jesus and hate his birthday so much:

  1. Son of God: I mean, just think about that one for a minute. THE SON OF GOD. Doesn't get much better than that, especially since he's somehow also God, too. Which probably makes it easy to get the car keys. And what a car!
  2. Mom's a virgin: The ultimate in purity, Mary didn't even have sex to give birth to the Messiah. I mean, you can't even make mom jokes about her. "You're momma is so, umm, pure, that only extra-virgin olive oil is ... ooh, never mind. You're the best, Jesus."
  3. Birth: Even though he's the miraculously born Son of God, he's born into the most humble of circumstances. He's King of Everything, but he's also a lowly man of the people. What a great story! And this was before promoters and agents; he just somehow knew how to do it right.
  4. King of the World: That's right, Jesus is the King of everything and everyone! Which would seem like a lot of responsibility, but apparently he doesn't even need to be around to fulfill his duties! You know, he's just totally chillin' in Heaven, or whatever. He'll come down here when he wants, foo'!
  5. Death: OK, we know you're not jealous of the whole "nailed to the cross" part. But Jesus was able to turn his agonizing death into a symbol of redemption and rebirth throughout the world. This guy just can't lose!
  6. Armageddon: Jesus is going to come back to fight the final battle for good against evil, and he is destined to win! No stress, no worry, just defeat Satan and live in Heaven on Earth with worshippers for the rest of time. It's like being Hef at the Playboy Mansion without the annoying booze or pillow fights. Can things be any better?

Honestly, Nick, jealousy is a pretty lousy emotion anyway, and it's kinda pointless to be jealous of someone as awesome as Jesus. So maybe this Christmas you can find it in your heart to forgive Jesus for being the Man and celebrate his birthday with a smile on your face and love in your heart.

Merry Christmas,

Boz


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