THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Over the past few years, we've noticed that our dear friend, Jug, has lost the funny. Why did he lose it in the first place, and what can he do to get it back?
-Unfunny Jug

RESPONSORIAL

Dear unfunny Jug,

Clearly, your problems go beyond the confused stares and curious odors that follow your attempts at humor. When “we” start to refer to “ourselves” in the third person plural, “we” have clear psychological issues, probably due to “our” “mothers” scolding us for “our” “dirty nappies.” Unless, of course, you are Ask Boz, who has every right and license to use the third person plural, but clearly you are not we.

You have an obvious case of Rapid Onset Not Funny. RONF can be triggered by many things: brain trauma, Ann Cassidy consistently shutting down your lame attempts at ranking on her, and sudden life changes. In your case, it was the latter. Moving to Boston, (someday, AskBozton, all praise due to AskBoz), and leaving your funny friends behind, was the first shock that began your slide into anti-humor. But what really triggered it was your job.

As most people are completely disinterested in knowing, you work for some sort of outreach firm that helps the underprivileged. Fine for you and your fat leach paycheck, and fine for the downtrodden that you “help,” but let’s look at your colleagues. Invariably, “helpful liberal” types populates these places, and they are practically saints, but, let’s face it, are dreadfully serious. Such humorous topics as sex, abortion, lurid pornography, heavy petting, Mother Teresa, and any established or marginal religious beliefs are off limits to these PC goody-two-shoes. What are you left with? Barney material. “I love you, you love me,” is nice for the Ultimate Moms, but it’s just not funny.

First things first. You gotta get the funny back. That means confidence. If you don’t believe you’re funny, nobody does. Best place to start: young children. The ca-ca eating grins you’ll get from such simple bits as “Where’d I go?” and “Got Your Nose,” or just any random farty sounding noise you care to make, will begin to reestablish your belief that you are funny. Next, slowly work you way up the cognitive ability ladder; we suggest the mentally challenged or deranged. As both are a little more selective about their humor, and potentially dangerous, these groups will begin to return you your “edge.” Don’t get overconfident with this success. Stay humble. If you think you’re ready for fully intelligent adults, seek out nerds and outcasts. They will appreciate your attention and you can start to expand your material. Like hard drive jokes. Get it? HARD drive? Get it?

Next is the job. You have to drop it. Morality and funny don’t mix. I suggest starting off at a nice construction firm. Lunch pail, hard-hat (get it?), hairy, smelly, muscular guys. The perfect place to “get your sexism on.” Sex and bodily function jokes are the quickest route back to the funny, if you stay with the right clientele. Just saying “Two lesbians walked into a bar. Ouch, ouch!” and watching your co-workers faces twitch from dawning understanding to doubled-over laughter will make you feel like you’re ready to jump back to the big leagues.

Your Immortal Soul Guide,

Ask Boz

---

Home