THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Why do I need to write this Configuration Management Plan that noone anyyway will read?

RESPONSORIAL

Hmmm. Ask Boz, as you all know, does not like to talk badly about anybody, particularly an asktater such as yourself. However, assuming your boss is not an Asian named Noone Anyyway, it is evident that you really shouldn't be writing anything. Really. Not even a note to keep your sick child home from school. Imagine: "Dear Principle: Pleeze exxuse Billy from skole. He has a hed clod." After they found out it was not a forgery, they would have you arrested for being stupid. No offense. Stupid.

Well, on to your question. We looked up the definition of Configuration Management Plan, but the explanation was so boring that our eye thingies filled up with wet, and four of the more effete Ask Bozzes passed out. We managed to determine that such a plan is an attempt to coordinate different technological resources. We went down to Ask Boz IT to see if they had such a plan, but they were too busy playing "Archie versus Jughead Deathmatch Arena." You know, there is something primaly satisfying about seeing Veronica get blown up by a bazooka. Maybe there is something wrong with us.

Still, if no one is going to read your report, you might as well have some fun. Think of including some of these "facts":

1. Note that you have hooked up all the appliances to the information systems. Now, when placing a program CD in the toaster, it will both load the program into the system, and the CD will come out lightly browned and buttered just right! Conversely, placing a turkey in the oven not only provides the design team with a scrumptious meal, but also, any time you eject a CD, you will get some yummy stuffing! You can even program it to be just like mom makes!
2. Write about technology that does not exist. For instance, as an alternative energy source, note that you are powering your offices with the withered hot dogs from the Quicky Mart. (If asked, say it is similar to a potato battery.) Scold employees that play games of chicken with your new hover-monitors. This is not an approved use! Finally, say that you are combatting your Euro-swishy competitors use of nano-technology with much more robust American Giganto-technology.
3. Just in case someone is skimming the report, put this one in the appendix. No one reads the appendix. Here, you should go for a flow chart in the shape of something naughty. Fill in the boxes and circles with suggestive IT words, such as, of course, "hard drive," and "male and female connections," "hot lunch," "ruler," "port," "plug," "mouse," "firewall," and "shareware." It might be wise to include some kleenex and wet-naps in this section, in case things get "into hand." Remember, a clean work area is a productive work area!

Anyyway, yuu can flee feer to take are advice. Butt don't forgot spell chick! Urs, Aks Bzo

Ask Boz

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