Asktation

Dear Ask Boz,

I have tried on several occasions to "sell 'ask Boz" to friends, family and acquaintances, hoping that someone would take the bait and send the metaphorical reel spinning - however it appears I am loading on the wrong bait. What, in your eyes, is the best way to approach folks about 'Ask Boz' - who may belong to broad and diverse demographics, while still maintaining continuity and integrity. I am at a loss.

'The dark one' in Glastonbury

Responsorial

Dear 'The dark one' in Glastonbury.

Thank you for having the courage to ask this question. You are on the first step of a short and easy journey. Oops! Scratch that. Could you just replace "long and arduous" for when we said "short and easy"? Thanks ;)!

The Ask Boz Field Guide for Converting Followers by Choice outlines the easiest way to convert followers to Ask Boz without the use of force. The first step is to cry. Especially at family gatherings and parties. When someone asks you what is wrong, look at them with glistening, tear-filled eyes and say, "Nothing is wrong. (Sniff ...sniff) Finally, everything is right! (WAAAAaahhhh!) Now that I have Ask Boz in my life. (blubber, sniffle, weep) Everything is so wicked cool!" Then get out your snazzy Ask Boz handkerchief (don't forget to mention if was a complimentary gift for giving your life over to Ask Boz,) and give a good, long, snotty blow for emphasis. Next, 'The dark one' in Glastonbury, as they ask for more details, give them a list of how your life has changed since you found Ask Boz:

1. "My MySpace has doubled in hits since I said the secret sacred words of the Ask Boz Pledge."
2. "My girlfriend has stopped telling people I'm "little in the pants," or "My boyfriend has stopped referring to me as "Not-so-fresh" Brenda."
3. "My level-seven Ranger found an Artifact in a garbage can in town! I'm off to slay me some dragon and win me some maiden!"
4. "I won two dollars in a scratch off game!"

You get the pattern. Once people see the amazing bounty that belief in Ask Boz brings, they will want to follow you by following us.

If you gather a following of 25 people, we will send you 27 dollars. It will be 3 fives, a ten, a one, and a Susan B. Anthony coin. You will fan out the bills, and raise the coin up so it glints in the sun, and say "Look at the amazing bounty you can get if you only follow Ask Boz! Look, you fools, and be dazzled!" Ask Boz will provide a CD of dramatic, swelling music to add to the ambiance. We also suggest in the Field Manual that you don't feed or water a few of these new adherents for several days. This increases the chance that they may faint at appropriately dramatic times. Add another ten followers, and we send you an apple corer and 28 dollars! It don't get no better than this, Bozzatch!

Listen, 'The dark one' in Glastonbury, you will make many converts to Ask Boz with persistence, as long as that is combined with free alcohol, drugs, and whores. Obviously, make sure there are both male and female prostitutes. Don't forget to make a few bisexual. They're cheaper than keeping a bunch of gays around. Don't worry about remembering all this; it's all in the Guide. Also, there's a bunch of coupons. Oh! Get pizza, too. Just about everyone likes pizza.

Well, 'Tdo'iG,' you have embarked on a path to enlightenment, happiness, and hair growth.* Welcome to our cult! When you visit Ask Boz Central, watch out for the fake dog poop! It's a favorite prank of some of the younger Ask Bozzes...

You could be brought peace too, if only you would Ask Boz.

*Side effects include persistant itchy rash, tooth loss, and nymphomania. Sorry.

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