Real questions. Unreal answers.

4/20/11

Dear Ask Boz,

- Who's cooler than you?
hotwaxx

Dear hotwaxx,

Aaah, an easy one! It only took a second for the Ask Boz Pan-Seared Super Computer to spit out his name: Stephen Hawking is cooler than me.

In almost every measurable category Stephen Hawking has me beat. Don't get me wrong: I've got a few things that Steve doesn't have. Yet there is no doubt that, overall, he is way cooler than I am.

He was kind enough to swing by the Ask Boz Compound and go head to head with me in several "cool" categories. These were the results:

Hairiness: No one makes Wookie noises when Steve wheels by. No one snaps pictures and states loudly "I'm sending this to Monster Quest!" No one asks him "Where's Mrs. Missing Link?" He doesn't go home and try to shave his body, and break another razor, and clog three more drains to try to dispose of the evidence of his shame. Just by being normally hairy, Stephen earns 8 Cool Points.

Wheelchair versus working legs: Listen, I'm not trying to be cruel, but I pretty much owned him here. Obviously, he is to be respected for the way he gets around, and thankfully the world had adapted to the needs of people who are wheelchair bound, lessening the limitations. I didn't even want to compete with him in this.

Really, it was Stephen who insisted we play Ultimate Frisbee. I thought maybe he had designed some super powerful hover-chair, with some sort of "Go-Go Gadget" arm, and I was about to get tooled. Not the case. Sadly, it was a pretty muddy day, too. He kept dumping out of his chair. Hey, I helped him up ... after I scored on him. Listen, it wasn't pretty. I schooled him in practically every aspect*. I'm not proud of it. But it did get me - 5 Cool Points.

Getting girls: I do OK with the ladies, but I can't measure up to Stephen. It's not enough that he's a genius, and he deals with all his disabilities with grace and humility. He also has a superpower: the computer voice. He can use the voice to fit any situation.

Click the play button to hear a few examples:

He can start with a one-two-three one-liner combo:
"Want to ride my power chair?"
Followed by "If I told you had a nice body would you hold it against me?"
Which leads to "I'm about to have a quantum event."

Then, if he meets a shallow girl, he can get right to her level:


He can even fool a lesbian by using a girl voice!

12 Cool Points for Stephen!

Intelligence: His genius is figuring out how the entire universe works. My genius is figuring out how to make the entire universe into a sex joke. Black hole - get it? Yep - 5 more Cool Points go his way.

He beat me in plenty of other categories, like "Not smelling so odd" and "Actually being mature," but we don't need to go in to those. He's just cooler, OK? Stop rubbing it in, would you? Geeze!

Boz


*Except for heckling. I have a great heckle game, but Steve's computer voice was deadly. Two of his best:
"Are you going to out jump a two-year-old next?"
and
"While you scored on me, I scored with your wife!"

Last time: Why is work so hard?

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