THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

How do you tell a girl you don't really know that you're crazy about her without people thinking that you're just plain crazy?

RESPONSORIAL

How appropriate for Valentine's Day, as we all celebrate the desperate illusion called love. And even crazy people deserve love, right? With a little research, we have discovered that by "a girl you don't really know" you actually mean "someone I've stared at until I have made everyone around me uncomfortable, including myself." Thus, you have taken an important first step to future romance: she has noticed you. You have also taken a great first step in future stalking, should it come to that: she thinks you are really creepy.

Your problem here is that you assume "plain" crazy is a bad label to have. Its only drawback, really, is that it is not "nutty-freaky-bonzo" crazy. You see, when you have already alerted someone that you might be a little off, trying to convince them that you are normal just won't work. You have to, as the band called "The Windows" once said: "Freak on Through to the Other Side. Oooooooh, ooooooh YEAAAAAHHHHHH! DAY to DAY, WEEK to WEEK, HOUR to HO-" .....Sorry. We get so into that song! Plus, the lead singer, Mim Jorrison, was so hot and Nordic. We love Nordia!

Where were we? Right. You have to turn "plain crazy" into "hot crazy"! How to do that? Seems like it's time for a handy Ask Boz list! Here's our advice:

• As you are already following her, try to find out what her favorite movie is. It shouldn't be hard; women tend to watch the same movie, over and over and over. Let's say that it is Titanic, for example. While she's out, build a replica of the third class passenger hall. Hire 50 greasy but happy illegal immigrants to play the roles of various fun-loving drunks! She will either, A, call the cops and get a restraining order, or, B, she will be amazed by the lengths you went to for her, and give you sweet sweet lovin' till the cock crows. If A, go right to stalker status, set up a shrine to her in your basement or crawlspace, and take to carrying a copy of Catcher in the Rye at all times. If B, call Immigration and Naturalization, have the immigrants arrested and deported, put in some Barry White, and get it on!
• Create your own cult and sweep her up into it. Click on over to our website, because we have several cult making kits to choose from. The cheapest, and most fool-proof, is our "Get Your Koresh On" Branch Davidian starter kit. We supply you with colored contact lenses to make your eyes all spooky, a roll of "18" for your charisma score, and a list of ambiguously deep things to say. How can she resist these actual Koresh sayings?
• First, weave a mysterious web about your deep knowledge: "This message is beyond anything you've ever dreamed before. But is is the truth, or the Bible is a lie."
• Show her that you not only know the way to God, but you are on the fricken' Interstate Super-Highway to God: "We know that we are on the right path, the highway of the Lord. Let us not fear that God has not chosen us, for in seeing these truths we know we are accepted."
• Then, confuse her deep Biblical learning by saying: "you know that the whole prophecy of Isaiah is about delivering God's people from Babylon. And Christ didn't deliver anyone from Babylon. Well, we can agree on that. What's wrong with the theological world? They're blinded cause God has blinded them. God has a trick for the last day."
• Finally, after an embarrassing performance at touch football: "...And because I've got the football I get tackled. That's all there is to it. I'm no different from you except one thing - the Lord's given me His eternal word."

As long as you don't say certain things like, "We are soiled by a filth that we cannot clean," since she may think that is kinda "oogy," you should find that this method will not only get you this girl, but probably several others. Sadly, it will also attract a bunch of filthy followers, Janet Reno, and a deadly attack on your lovely compound. Please note that neither Ask Boz, nor its subsidiaries, can be held legally responsible for your fiery, pathetic end.

In closing, remember, craziness is next to Ask Bozliness. Enjoy!

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