Dear Boz,

If your job title is actually "Customer Service Account Email Answerer" you might want to check a few things. Does your company have a name? Is your boss just a voice on the phone? Do you sometimes have to move to another office building in the middle of the day? Do you get paid in only large bills, which the deli counter guy hands you in a greasy paper bag? If the above are true, cool. It sounds sort of intriguing.

Whoever you're working for, you have to answer this email. Sadly, you seem clueless. Happily, it seems the question you were sent was written by a moron, so the two things cancel out, don't they? So we're going to make up a nice answer, aren't we, Katie? Even though you'll lose you're shady, corruption ridden job, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you brought a gibbering dunce down with you. So here's what you write him:

Dear Sir,

How can you possibly protect your companies identity if you go about tradmarking its name? And internationally!?! That's the whole world! If you do that, anyone who wishes you harm will know exactly who you are! And you'll probably trademark your clever logo too, so your enemies can be completely illiterate but still identify and destroy you!

And a website? Instead, just send your competitors a manual titled Here's How To Beat Us. Don't you get it, if you build a website anyone can find things out about you. Any scumbag will be able to see the products you sell. What if they started to sell the same product? You'd be screwed!

And your phone number! How will you get anything done with the phone ringing all the time? And look, there's your address! Don't you see man! They'll know where to find you! RUN!

Ooops. Stop running. Sorry. Did you hurt your knee? It's OK. Sit back down. Listen, it's not too late to wipe every trace of your company from existence, making you safe from all harm. Start by destroying all signs that identify your company. If you can't do that, at least change it to something completely generic, like Acme Jones Business LTD.

We suggest that you stop making, packaging or shipping any product. DO NOT FIRE YOUR WORKERS!!!! They know the companies identity. You're going to have to make a tough choice. You must either pay them to do nothing until they retire, or you can log on to killmyworkers.com. They'll kill your workers. Or, you can compromise and pay the ones you like and only kill the pains and idiots. After the killings, leave all buildings and offices completely, and have them cleaned by the same people that cleaned up your colleagues bodies.

These steps are essential to annihilate your companies' identity from the world, leaving it absolutely protected.

Last time: What's with the green potato chip?

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