THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

It seems abundantly clear that Ask Boz goes through phases of being star-struck. It began with the Kevin McHenry phase, then passed through the Rico and Jake phase, and now currently resides in the Bill Mill and Jonas phase. But Boz, the masses, the common working ultimate men and women, they need real heroes. Hippies, drunks, and albinos do not resonate with the people! Ask Boz was once about the classics. Stories such as "Darryl v. Godzilla", or "Jay's Business Plan" entertained all and touched our hearts. When will Ask Boz return to his glory days and publish classics once more?

-Dan Griffiths

RESPONSORIAL

Dear malleable, supple, soon to be turned to evil by Ask Boz, Dan,

Ask Boz feels the anger behind your words. It feeds Ask Boz. And it will feed you too, Dan. We see you, in your tortured nights, hiding in the fort you built out of couch cushions and pillows, as you read and re-read “Darryl versus Godzilla,” basking in the memories of a time when we used to try to be funny. You are furious that idiots like Rico and Assman are getting all the attention. We hear you think, “I’m as pasty as Jonas. Why can’t I get some AB love?” We know you are afraid. Afraid that Ask Boz knows about your “secret” shrine to Sierra. Why don’t you clean it up? And what’s with the picture of Justin Timberlake? And the naked Ken doll? Weird!!!

Ever since reading our life changing post, you've tried and tried to get our attention. You thought "What if I were green, and giant, and a radioactive lizard? Then Ask Boz would have to pay attention to me!" But you’ve only had limited and embarrassing success. (We really think the tail is kinda cute.) During the process, you began to identify with Godzilla. Of course. Who doesn’t? We all want to rage through cities, killing innocents, toppling cars, incinerating buildings, and really just totaling shopping carts. You’re not alone. We are joined by our rage, hostile intentions, and desire to be gigantic flame belching lizards. This is what has gotten us this far as a species.

Dan, we know you’re confused. You think, “How can people known to be useless, or obnoxious, or losers, still get so much attention from someone so great and pure as Ask Boz?” Then you wonder, “Am I really made of helium? What will my family think about the green scales on my shins? What if I attack Sierra … will she notice me then?”

So many thoughts for one soft little man. Face it, Dan. All you’re really saying is “ME, ME, ME, Ask Boz betrayed ME.” The emotions roil inside you. Jealousy. Anger. Betrayal. Raging cold lizard blood. A dangerous combination, aren’t they, Dan? …. Pardon? What do you mean, “No”? Of course they are. … You made us lose our place. Ahhh. Here we go ….. So all those negative emotions are swirling around inside of you. You are afraid of them. But we are here to tell you: they are the source of your greatest strength. Do you feel them? … Try harder. Ask Boz commands you! …… There, that’s better. Now feel how the negative emotions only make you stronger! Good … practice letting those feelings free. Good …. Now, make us some tuna-fish sandwiches. Not too much mayo, ok? But not too dry either. Thanks ….. MMMMMMMmmmmm. Perfect! Don’t stare at us while we eat! Do some push-ups. Nooooooooo! Not with your knees on the floor! Damn it, man!

Thanks for the sandwich, but don’t forget napkins next time. And would it kill you to get regular pickles? No one likes butter dills. Where were we? Yes. Let the jealousy build up now. Picture having Kevin and Jonas in your power. Now, picture them in their underpants. Heheheh! Yeah! That’s funny stuff!

Do you really want the classics back, Dan? Do you want to focus your anger, your jealous hate, and accept the recurring “back” rash as normal? They are all part of your destiny to restore Ask Boz to our previous glory!!! Become our Askbozawan, our protégé, our student, our pupil, our trainee, and our apprentice. You will? Good. Now do a little dance for us. Here’s a tune: Oh yeah, oooo, Bomp, Bomp, uh, Chik-a Chik-a, oooooooommmm, bomp, bomp, chik, chika-chika. Wow! Nice! You can use that to caper around the bodies of your fallen foes. And the way you used those hips! MmmmMMMM.

Well, Dan, we think you’re all set to go into training. Here’s the contract. It’s pretty standard. You’ll need to betray all those that love you, slay your old master, renounce morality, and give us ten bucks to cover processing. Then we start the lessons. Sound good? Great. You’ll be slaughtering millions in no time!

Ok. Take this cup right there to the bathroom and give us a sample. While you’re in there, we’ll put on our rubber gloves and prepare the exam table. Oh. Before you go in, could you dance just one more time? Shake it like it’s Vegas, baby!

Next: A Muffin Commeth.

Ask Boz

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