Part three: Do you know the muffin man? (Forced to actually read a question for the first time, Ask Boz is suddenly thrust into an existential crisis and goes into a swoon. Dan Griffith leads Ask Boz to a really big couch, which happens to be in “The room where Ask Boz talks in normal font, Dan Griffith talks in italics, and random famous people talk in bold.)

Oh. My. Our hearts are all aflutter. Sniff … (Wipes tears from collective eyes.) So you’re saying that basically everyone hates us? Waaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

(Dan, in a soothing voice.) No. Don’t cry Ask Boz. Come here, sit right here on Aunty Danny’s lap. There, there … just calm down … shhhhhhh … there. That’s better. Look, I made you a sandwich. Yeah, that’s Fluffernutter. Yummy-yum. Can you listen now? Look, people love you! It’s just that we need posts about heroes, lizards, and turning Jews into Jihadists! Fat man-whores and asspeople can’t inspire us all. Don’t you see?

(Ask Boz collectively stands, paces to the window, and looks out pensively. After considering Dan’s words for a moment, they embrace anger and denial.) Fine. Great. We try and try and try … but does anyone care? Noooooooo! It’s just me me me! Does anyone ever think about Ask Boz? Didn’t we come up with acceptable family pornography, freedom from positivity, and Bobby JoPants? (Growing angrier.) When is it enough? When does Ask Boz get to Ask Boz? Is Taiwan really a part of China?!? (Suddenly confused.) Never mind that last part. I suppose you could do better, Mr. “My last name would be cool if it were Griffin.” Hmmmmm? (Pointing at him.) I suppose you always write classics in you’re column, “Ask Danger Griffin”?

(Danger Griffin is shocked and bewildered, stunned and confused, astounded and befuddled.) NO, Ask Boz! I didn’t say that. That’s just it, you go off on tangents that no one gets, and you start giving people names that … well, I’ll admit that’s a pretty cool name, but it’s just …

(Ask Boz grows twenty-feet tall and looms over Danger Griffin wielding a toy lightsaber.) No more! Now you will feel the intense emotional, spiritual, and ecumenical pressure of answering questions. Come, Emmylou Harris!

(Emmylou Harris appears stage right … or left. Whichever side is on the right from the audiences’ perspective. Anyway, she appears. Ask Boz says “Ploit” and does a bunch of wavy things with their arms, pretending to disappear, but really just stand there blinking in unison. Kinda creepy, if you ask me.)

(Emmylou Harris, strumming a guitar.) So, “Danger,” Ask Boz always writes classics. Will you always write classics?

(Danger Griffin practically does the whole fembot head-exploding thing. Steam actually came out of his ears. Really. I’m not lying.) All right. That’s it! I didn’t want to do this, but I have no choice! Ask Boz maybe wrote two good posts, and then they completely sold out! Just like everything I’ve ever cared about: Star Wars, Holly Hobby, lingerie, tire swings. Then there was my N’Sync poster. I used to dream and dream that I was Britney, and they were all around me. But now they just stare and stare, and they look angry when I put on stolen panties. And they yell so loud I can’t hear my “My Little Ponies” when they winnie. I thought I could count on Ask Boz …but I guess you can’t count on anything in this crazy hip-hop jang jang. Except maybe aerodynamics.

(Ask Boz, impressed with the answer, goes “Toilp” and pretends to re-appear.) You win that round, Danger, but what can you do against the power of Bob Geldof!?!?!

(A flourish of trumpets. A ringing of the tympanis. Bob Geldof floats down on the gentle, loving bosom of angels.) Danger, I was part of the influential band “The Boomtown Rats.” How have you influenced modern culture?

(Danger Griffin, thrown into a panic, twists his knickers, gnashes his teeth, rends his hair, and soils himself.) What? That’s not fair … I know how to fly planes. Really. Maybe I’m really in a plane, alone, up where girls can’t hurt me. (He extends out his arms and makes a “Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” noise and begins to run away.)

(Bob Geldof is fooled, but extends his own arms, starts his own engine sound, and pursues Danger.) I was Pink Floyd. What fictional band person have you portrayed in a wildly popular film?

(Danger banks right then left.) He’s right on my tail. Must try lying. Must think … Yes! That’s it! (Makes a wide turn and comes right at Geldof going “rat-atat-tat”) I was Butthole Surfers in “Buttholes take China”! There! Beat that.

(Danger wooshes past him. Bob Geldof gets a terrible, cruel smile and returns to his pursuit.) I just finished organizing my second gigantic world saving concert. How have you tried to save everything?

(Danger empties everything in hopes of lightening the load, but it all ends up in his pants.) Red Three to Red Leader, I can’t shake him. Got to pull out …too late … Aaargh! (Danger Griffin banks steeply, spins twice, then crashes into the floor. After lying there a while, he realizes he wasn’t really in a plane, and that everyone is laughing at him, and that the smell coming from his pants is really nasty. I mean everyone, too, even his family and everyone who had pretended to like him, just laughing and pointing. Stands up and shakes his fist at Ask Boz.) You may have won this round, Ask Boz. But when I clean up, and get a life, and have my first kiss, and stop sucking at everything so bad, and I come back, you’ll be sorry you ever messed with …DANGER MUFFIN! I mean, DANGLING GRUNNION! That is DINGO GRUMPUS! Oh, I give up! Fine, Ask Boz, you always write classics! Happy now?

(Ask Boz talks strangely because he’s holding his nose.) Dot really. Baybe ib you go clead up!

Back to the latest humiliation of Dan.

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