THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Do you have a life?

RESPONSORIAL

Yes! Since "I" am part of a collective, I have many lives. Here are just some of them:

Teacher: We Super-ape teachers are males, and we live within the one room school house where we never actually teach because, happily, our young are expected to roam wild and free well into their mid-twenties. They are encouraged to fornicate, libate, exacerbate, titillate, evacuate and ruminate. So, essentially, we teachers have nothing to do. We just kick it old school, sippin' on gin and juice, and have cozy little afternoon parties with cute single Super-ape women. But that is only one pretty sweet life I have.

Husband: We Super-apes have embraced the "rotating spouse" model of marriage. Thus, I am married to nearly two-million Super-ape women. A lot of them are really great marriages, too. Sure, there's, like, a hundred-seventy thousand that kinda suck, but the rest are amazing. Don't ask me how I have time to rotate through all those wives. You gotta make the time to have two million wives, man.

Ultimate Player: This is actually the most frustrating part of my multiple existences. Though there are no rules barring Super-apes from playing, Ultimate is a Human dominated sport. Some of us shave copious amounts of hair from our bodies and attempt to "pass" as a "person." Sure, we get to play the game we love at its highest level, but we can never truly be ourselves. Do you know how much that hurts? What? Oh. Yeah, you're right. Not much.

Son: Due to our unusual parental set up, I have one wonderful mother and 270,000,000 fathers. Yes, Mom is tired all the time, and there are always strange male Super-apes lurking around the house. Still, I always felt that, when she was awake, my mom was just super! I'll tell ya, though: Father's day was total murder! Don't worry; I'm on the sweet side of that deal now! One-hundred forty spawn and counting!

Writer: Super-apes have penned most of the great writing of the last several centuries. However, much like with Ultimate, we must filter all our writings through Humans that we control. Your "Balzac" was actually a young Super-ape named "Gromp" who had taken a liking to your coffee. Your "Hemingway" was actually a lad called "Yuck." He spent his fifties and sixties creating all those great novels: The Sun also Rises; A Farewell to Arms; Spatula Man. Humans upset about this literary revelation will grow even angrier as I tell you that little hairy Yuck spent his entire seventh year smearing poop on tree trunks. Ah, the fecund beginnings of genius!

"Shakespeare" was two brothers, a sister, and about 6 thousand of their fathers. My sister and my cousin Garina are "Wally Lamb" and our two-billion uncles are "Katherine Anne Porter."

So, frankly, yes, "I" have a life, thank you very much!

Ask Boz

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