Dear Ask Boz,

It is simplest to blame one Brenton Hard, known by the nickname "DQ". Brenton was on the roster for a different team, and he broke the rules by playing with your team, the Wild Tchoupitoulas, in your game against eventual Sectionals champion D5. He played for exactly one point. This point has been ranked the 12th most unimportant point ever, since your team was down 14-1 against a juggernaut uber-team that was toying with you. By allowing Brenton to play on your team, which wasn't exactly the act of a well-thought-out person, Brenton and your team were disqualified from the playoffs.

This is the story being put out there, but I am deeply skeptical. First of all, everyone knows Brenton is the most level-headed kid around, not prone to doing anything strange, outrageous, bizarre, hurtful, or unspeakably wrong. Like, he probably earned a Boy Scout honor badge in "Normal." So there is no way that it was DQ's fault at all.

I'm convinced that he was just a dupe, a patsy, the Brenton Harvey Oswald of this scandal. He was tricked into disqualifying you by that new, menacing organization USA Ultimate.

USA Ultimate began it's formation when they read my expose that revealed Ultimate is not a real sport. Alarmed by my conclusions, they decided to rebrand Ultimate's image. Their consultant, Karl Rove, designed a strategic plan to move away from a friendly, grass-roots collection of players dedicated to mutual respect and positive interactions and become a clone of more popular sports.

Rove advised USA Ultimate to sell its soul to the Devil for the promise of money and fans. With money, good players could back up their already inflated egos with the cash flow to help their arrogance get them in some real trouble. And with fans, the players could have people to fight with and throw things at. Nothing like sweet, sweet free negative publicity to boost ratings over on Versus 10. So USA Ultimate began to eliminate anything and anyone that would hurt their new image.

First, and understandably, they kicked out anyone who wears tie-dye when they're not playing Ultimate. Next were the Canadians for being nearly as smelly as hippies. Oh, and for unleashing that plague of sweaty, tights-wearing Circe de Soliel swing set acrobats and scary clowns.

They crossed the line by cracking down on teams like yours. Each year, someone forms a ragtag pick-up team full of middle-of-the-road players and enters them into sectionals. It's a little like letting Brad Sprankle's beer-swilling pick-up hockey thugs play the New York Rangers during the NHL playoffs. Strangely, USA Ultimate is convinced that having teams of drunks, many of whom are only wearing underwear or are dressed as a banana , makes our sport look less serious.

Just look at your name. Wild Tchoupitoulas. How can they market such completely unpronounceable nonsense? The team they have built to replace you, The Wild Ultimate Double Cheese Bacon Whopper, not only makes mouth-watering sense, it exemplifies the traditional USA values of branding and commercialism.

Unlike your team, The Wild Ultimate Double Cheese Bacon Whopper is built around the novel concept of actually having good players. No, not good at Flip Cup, but actually good at Ultimate. So good, in fact, that The King will be able to play with them and they'll still beat teams like D5, and not at Universe Point either.

You must be wondering if you should still play in this new environment. If you want to continue with Ultimate, start by cutting your whole team, especially yourself. Then start looking around for players to recruit. Listen, you're a likable guy; if John "I Robot" Korber can convince people to play with him, your personality gives you a chance. And your willingness to constantly party. Grab all the really good drunk players you can find, and promise them coolers full of beer in brown colored water bottles. Your team will be much better, and by the third game they'll be drunk enough to let you play.

Name them something profitable, like "The Wild Bloomin' Onions" or the "Crazed Two-for-One Lobster Deal Night only at Friendly's." You can probably get DQ to play with you himself, once he writes his letter of apology to Fi Cheng and does his 12 hours of community service.

Hope this cleared things up,

Boz

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