Why is the earth round?

The story of the shape of the Earth would be long and complex, if it weren't sorta medium and semi-understandable. The design of the Earth was originally a competition between Planetary Architects that had built planets throughout the universe, and even a few in the duoverse. As will happen with artists, they had grown bored of the traditional cosmic shapes: ovals and spirals, spirals and ovals. They decided to branch out and try new designs.

The design competition is still noted today as one of the most chaotic in the history of Planetary Design Tournaments. The uproar began when the first designer presented a cubist earth. When the "experimental inhabitants" were placed on it to show its livability, fully one-third of them fell off the edges of the planet to their eternal doom. The creators of this version of Earth were instantly arrested by the Intergalactic Art Critic Police, and made to take photographs of planets in buckets of unsavory liquids, to the howling, and drowning, protests of those planet's native inhabitants.

The abstract earth was more livable, but made people uneasy and a little seasick. The experimental inhabitants of this planet tended to quite quickly contract a severe case of ennui, complete with boils and terrible acne.

The impressionist earth was actually quite lovely, if you look at it now, but back then everyone thought that it was just blurry. Many Ultra-Powerful Cosmic Beings found themselves in long lines at the Ultra-Powerful Cosmic Optometrists attempting to get new prescriptions for their glasses. Once they found that The Earth wasn't out of focus, the angered Ultra-Powerful Cosmic Beings gave the artists an Ultra-Powerful Cosmic spanking.

After so many failures, there was the predictable backlash. So, the design job went from high-minded artist types to drooling, knuckle-dragging sports players. As soccer was originally created before the cosmos began, it was decided that perhaps an old footballer would be best to design our planet. They called up Flinty Larry, the oldest known soccer player in all the universe. Flinty was none too bright, and tried a cleat first. Those on the outer surface were fairly content, but those made to live inside the smelly inner shoe instantly went insane and started rioting. They got a hold of one of the shoe strings and lit it on fire. Soon, the entire shoe was ablaze and filled with desperate, rage-filled shrieks.

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