THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

You've seen my publicly humiliating attempts to predict the scores of future games statistically. How do you, Ask Boz, predict the scores of future games?

Bill Mill

RESPONSORIAL

Our fructose intolerant friend,

Ask Boz has done a little research into your score prediction program. (We have also looked into your sock drawer... -- in the future! How the hell did man-tights come back in style? Weird. Your red and white socks with bells on the toes were cute, though.) Our Tech Team downloaded your computer program and analyzed the algorithm you used. Our Statistical Scientists put it through several different tests, running different possibilities to determine whether or not it was sound. They concluded that your program was cleverly written and airtight mathematically, and must have been designed by someone of great intelligence.

Sadly for you, we also gave it to our Social Scientists. They determined you are, quote a pasty beanpole loser endquote, and that your little geeky “ELO” prediction program is just “a flaccid and sexless nerd attempt to worm your way into some sort of Ask Boz like fame.” They further commented that were you to actually become as high profile as Ask Boz right this minute, like if someone pointed some sort of AskBozitron ray at you and you were suddenly cool, well-liked and good looking, there would be a cascading reaction throughout society. Instantly, being cool, well-liked and good looking would become the loser way to be.

Ironically, being a skinny, bony, nerd-boy with a lightweight notebook computer and inexplicable post-teen acne would become cool. There you’ll be, Bill, stuck with really tight metro-Mill clothes on, with the vaguest whiff of a sprayed on man-scent in the air around you, just like GQ told you to be, yet you will be utterly and completely rejected by everyone, just like you’ve always been. (And will be. Remember the bit about your future? We didn’t just look in your sock drawer. I mean, wow! What's coming really, really sucks bad. Oh, and sorry about your turtles. We didn’t know they’d react like that!)

As far as the second part of your question goes, we predict scores by using our computer program “BLO” which stands for Boz Loves Orangutans. We give an Orangutan some Ask Boz Veterinarian approved TLC, it thinks for a while, and predicts the score. Our monkeys are right more often than your program, and they smell better than you, and they also get much more action. Which is why the saying is “hot monkey love,” not “hot Bill Mill love.” After they predict, we usually tell them to go to your place of work and throw their poop at you, but they refuse to do it, because that would make it “loser poop.”

Did you ever realize that if you stood next to Kevin McHenry no one would see anything? Stupid nerd beanpoles. Well, at least your not a hippy vegan jerk.

Ask Boz

PS - Nerd!

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