THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

What's in store for the future of human evolution and is Ask Boz directing it in any way?

RESPONSORIAL

Dear Being,

Most reputable scientists believe that humans have stopped evolving, simply because there is no further need for it. Any human smart enough to be born middle class, or better, and in a developed country, knows that food just appears when you need it, everyone gets their own place to sleep, and heat is free and easy to come by, without the dangerous inconvenience of fire or thinking. Why evolve when everything is so good, at least for everyone that counts?

Because things could be so very much gooder! And, with our new technology, Forced Evolution, you don't have the outrageously long wait times of Darwinian evolution. This is evolving for the on demand generation, baby! We have been perfecting Forced Evolution for years. In fact, if you have ever toured Ask Boz Central and witnessed many people standing around with fists tightly clenched, and a look on their faces like they're trying to pass a bowling ball, than you've seen Forced Evolution in action.

So what is evolution the Ask Boz way like? Here be a few examples:

1. Want to be just like your favorite superhero? Many Ask Bozzes have willed themselves into having superpowers. Just ask the leader of the pack, Superwolviaquaspider! Man of steel, with adamantine skeleton and claws, breathes underwater, swings from buildings ... wow! I'm not one of the Ask Bozzes that bats from both sides of the plate, but if he fixed me with those eyes, mmmMMMM! ... Well, I just hope they aren't his laser eyes! Har har!
2. Ladies, tired of the "one size fits me" breasts you were born with, but uncomfortable with going under the knife? Many of the Ask Bozzettes around Central are going with the "variable size" model. Have a big job interview, but have heard the boss is a dragon lady? Shrink them down to a non-threatening b-cup! Trying to win the attentions of that cutie superhunk, but don't want to always have to lug around extra weight? When you're alone, they're just your size, but when you're with him, you can put the "D" in his dreams! Find yourself drunk and stripping on the bar again, but don't want to be assaulted or put in a compromising video? Well, just sing a little "one of these breasts is not like the other" and put a little "freak" in your show!
3. Men, tired of listening to your girl's endless stories, with multiple characters, incredibly detailed but useless background information, and no discernible point? Broads, tired of your man not listening to your fascinating stories about your endlessly fascinating daily life? Well, the "shoulder face" is the answer. This small face grows on the man's shoulder, and is equipped with a teeny-tiny brain. But don't worry, ladies! Its brain is big enough to say "mmhhmm," "well, that wasn't nice," and "Brooke said that? Damn!" And fellas, that day at the beach won't be ruined: when exposed to the public, shoulder face goes into "tat" mode, complete with optional devil horns!
4. We'd all love to be gluttons, right? It would be wonderful to take that 27th hot wing, smear it with lard, dip it in lemon butter, and wash it down your gullet with your 14th beer. But that would probably lead to a teensy weight problem. The Forced Evolution solution? The second anus. Think of your intestines as a crap superhighway, but there is only one exit for all that waste. So what happens? We call it a "crapfic jam." With a second anus, you'll be able to evacuate twice as much waste, thus enabling you to eat twice as much food! We've already invested in toilet paper futures ... we think this is really going to catch on!

Those are only a few of the many evolutionary innovations we are working on at Ask Boz Central. Feel free to suggest your own next step on the evolutionary ladder. However, we will ignore your suggestions completely. Chow for now!

Ask Boz

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