Dear Ask Boz,

Listen, I only just said that those jeans don't fit like they used to. Maybe I meant that they didn't used to look so good on you. Oh. Yeah, I guess I did do that every time you wore them. They did make me act a little wild. Good point.

What? Hmmm, you're not going to let go of this "fat" thing, are you. No. Well, if we're going to talk about this, I think we need to determine what "fat" is, probably by creating some sort of ranking system. Let's say a one to five scale. Then, based on that, we see where you land. Then we'll know. Agreed?

Good. But I have to say, your face is turning all red and blotchy. Do you feel ok? You're breathing pretty hard, too. And when you bare your teeth it makes it really hard for me to concentrate on my ranking system.

To be fair, let's leave out any mental cases that cause either emaciation or morbid obesity. With that out of the way, on to the scale.

1. These people are extraordinarily fit. Their skin reveals their bones, sinews and muscles without making you feel like your looking at one of those "Bodies" exhibits. You want to see them naked.

Just so your hopes aren't up, this isn't you. Oh, don't react that way ... listen, sweetie, there's no reason to feel bad, since you never were a "one" in the first place. OK?

2. Not fat but not fit. Their bodies are not defined by their skin. Their muscles might be underdeveloped. But no fat. The good news honey is that this is where you've been honey for most of our relationship. Until about six months ago. And you .. what? Well, I didn't know that it's my responsibility to monitor your weight. What am I, a scientist? But maybe I'll give you a checkup later, if you know what I'm saying.

3. A little fat is showing, but common descriptions are still humorous or positive. You have "love handles" and "a spare tire." Most people in this category balance just enough exercise while consuming a great deal of booze and food.

So, on to four then - Hmmm? Oh, yeah sweetie, you're three. I figured you knew. Do you even look in the mirror?

4. The terms get much more cruel in this category. "Muffin top" is about as good as you can get, but that is too accurate and funny a description to be nice. "Keg belly" is funny, but unless we can tap the keg, it's not so good. To top off this category, there's the "C" word of fat descriptions, cankles.

5. This is anyone who is bigger than Santa. These people are at a point that descriptive terms are no longer said out loud to them, but only thought. I'm not going to repeat those terms: their enormously cruel and bloatedly vicious. Tubby!

So, back to your question. Since you're a three, then, yeah, I guess you're a little fat. OK? Where are you going? Honey? Huuuuunnnneee.... There you are! You're crying.... and you have a knife. Did you just cut up an onion? Honey? Waitttt! NO! Owwww!

Boz

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