Ask Boz
4/16/08
Name: Eradicator
Location: MA
Question: Whats up with all the hipster d-bag wannabe's riding fixed gear bikes?
Ohhh, we're so glad someone finally asked this question. We are steaming mad about this one, too. What is it, the freakin' Seventies again? We were there, man, and it was a great time, but it is soooo over. Sure, we enjoyed poppin' wheelies and going off little jumps. We loved making fun of Terrence, who had to borrow his sister's bike, so we called him "Sissy Bar" until he, ironically, moved to San Fransisco. And it was cool to use a clothespin to force a playing card into your spokes so it sounded like you had a motor.
But that's the whole point: there's no motor. You can make "vroom-vroom" noises all you want, but you still don't have an engine. And not having an engine, only using your own power, is good for the environment. Good for the environment is bad for those who dream of a return to a steaming primeval jungle full of primitive species. You know we want Global Hotting! Why would we want this:
- Humans will return to where the rest of Nature was happiest with them: living in fear in caves.
- Super Ape behaviors such as the "Screaming Charge," "Nit Picking Hour," "Alpha Male Harem Fun" and "Get Drunk on Plants" will be back in vogue.
- Dryads, dryads, dryads.
So, hey, does "d-bag" stand for dime bag or douche bag? Is there such a thing as a douche bag wannabee? As in, they want to be douche bags? Which is, like, pretty gross, and probably a sign that the person has some real self-esteem problems, or a really nasty fetish.
If it's dime-bag wannabee, then there must be a stoner out there who wants to be a dimebag... that brief, wonderful existence that will bring pleasure to a couple of affable teens as they gently, slowly, humorously waste away their lives.
Last time: Why do quitters never prosper?
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