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Dear Ask Boz,

I play in an ice hockey league during the winter months and have been giving some serious thought to opening an "Ask Boz" franchise on the league web site. While I have no aspirations of being able to respond in the witty fashion that the original does, I feel that I can come close, considering most hockey players have the IQ of a puck. Do you have an apprenticeship program? Or, is there an Ask Boz University where I can learn to come up with sharp nick names for my teammates ("Blue-helmet Bob", "Old Man Winter", & "Typhoid Mary" was as far as I could get on my own).
signed I only play beloved sports,
Brad Sprankle


Dear Mr. Sprankle,

Please find enclosed your application for admission to the Ask Boz Franchisee School. Along with the application, you will also find our OSHA required videos on sharps, blood-born pathogens, and pantsing.

We are pleased to see that you play two mocked and reviled sports, Ultimate and Hockey. This means you are in peak physical condition and, most importantly, ridicule will not rankle you. You are a short, quiet, troublesome man. Now, did that bother you? Did you break an ankle as you ran to hit something? Did a little sprinkle of tears go down your soft, boyish face? If so, you are probably not ready to be Ask Boz … perhaps you can call yourself “Ask the Little Crybaby” instead.

If you didn’t get too upset, you definitely have some advantages that might outweigh your height and personality problems. While hockey hippies are probably in short supply, Canadians are only second to hippies as “go to” joke filler. The fact that these sub-human monsters are flying around on ice-skates adds another possible dimension to the possibilities of possible jokes, possibly. Like – “Hey, why did the Canadians stop playing hockey in the spring?” “They all sank in the pond and drowned, eh?” Just an example, Mr. Spankle, of what you can do with these guys. Really. They shower less than hippies because they think, “cold freezes the stink.”

Writing your column will not be hard. Elaborate sports metaphors are the stuff of greatness, as you probably know. Humor drips off them like sweat drips off a Canadian trying to remember how to lace up his skates. Hockey, despite being a stupid sport played by moron northern monsters and their short, drab, pale, personality-less southern cousins, lends itself to metaphor almost as well as baseball. What will the ice represent? Cold. The puck? A rock. The hockey stick,* umm, an “L”. And the net represents? Ummm... ummmm ....

Aaahh, crap. OK. Hockey sucks for a metaphor. Or a simile. Have you ever heard anyone say, “She made a mistake like a hockey player whose skates are completely over the blue line before the puck …”? Really, Brad. It’s sad. Plus, hockey has a “neutral zone.” What the hell is this, Star Trek? “Hey hoser, don’t hit that puck onto the Romulan side, eh? They might kill us with their cloaked war-bird.”

You know what, this isn't going to work. Sorry ... What do you mean, you still want a franchise? We don’t do franchises. Who said we have franchises? You’re a bad person, Brad. Bad!

But, if it gives you a little solace, you can’t spell “sprankle” without “ask.” And you can’t spell Boz without “Bradleighoz.”

Ask Boz

*(Doesn’t that just prove how stupid Canadians are? They couldn’t make up a word like “bat” or “racquet”? The Ask Boz impression of the beginning of hockey: “Me hit rock with stick into hole … me happy now.”)