Real questions. Unreal answers.

4/27/09

Dear Boz,

Hay I'm tommy I want to start a new life and become a freak I'm a 40year old boy. Just got my ears pierced thinking bout a nose ring how far should I go to be a freak
Tommy

Dear Tommy,

Well, you certainly have a good start in joining the legions of self-obsessed young people who seem to have missed the whole "punctuation" concept in school. So you can start with a poorly written freaky blog where you can breathlessly relate your freakiness to the whole freaky world. Freak.

For overall freakiness, you're not off to a very good start. A guy with earings hasn't been freaky since the 70's. A nose ring is better, but only if you want to be freaky like a cow.

Your other problem is that a lot of people are kinda freaky now - because freakiness is kinda ok. Marilyn Manson, vampires, the Amish - all socially acceptable freaks. Which means to be really freaky, you have to do something totally different and unexpected. Here are some ideas:

  • Drive the speed limit. This will get you more dirty looks than a pack of goths at a church fair.
  • Walk down the street singing songs that have the word "Freak" in the title. "Freak on a Leash" by Korn, "Super Freak" by Rick James, "Freak Out" by 311, and especially "Le Freak" by Chic. In general, walking around in public singing makes you at least a little freaky, especially if you sing into a hair brush like you're a little girl alone in her room. Consider pigtails and nice little sundress to complete that impression.
  • Use a handkercheif. Any time you take it out of your pocket to blow your nose, make sure people around you see the tan crusties left behind from previous blows. Nothing says "freak" more than someone who carries around his old snots.
  • Hold doors open for people when they're pretty far away. This will make them have to do that awkward half-run, totally turning a polite gesture into a rude gesture. Pretty freaky!
  • Do all of the following simultaneously: Wear socks with sandals. Wear white socks with dark clothing. Wear a fanny pack. Wear suspenders. Wear a hat with a feather in it. Wear a helicopter beanie.

Being freaky isn't as easy as it used to be, but with a little creativity and thousands of dollars radical plastic surgery, you will be well on your way.

Yours,

Boz




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