Dear Ask Boz,

Is Ultimate Frisbee a real sport?
Clay

Dear Clay,

After three full seconds of thought, I have come to the conclusion that Ultimate Frisbee is clearly not a sport. Here are just a few reasons why:

• Players show respect for each other: Not only do we Ultimate players respect our own team members, we even respect players on other teams! Crazy, right? This isn't sportmanship, folks - eye gouging is sportmanship. Oh, and hair-pulling, too.
• We don't have coaches: Most Ultimate teams get along without a coach. Instead, we run ourselves. So, this can't be a sport. One of the qualifications of a sport is that there are enourmous fat men running things. The closest thing we have in Ultimate to this is a Master's level handler that plays dump.
• Women and men play together and get along: In Ultimate, male players actually throw to women. In real sports, male players throw punches at women.
• We call our own fouls: Ultimate relies on honor and respect of the game. The players are so trustworthy that we actually make our own foul calls and don't cheat. Although this sounds great, without officials we do miss out on having entire countries wanting to commit suicide/murder due to a missed call.
• Our fans don't endure days of pain after a huge loss: This is because we have no fans.

Well, there it is. But don't despair fellow Ultimate players. You have it in your hands to change this starting today. Lock your local keg-belly into a ten-year contract with a $15 million dollar buy out, smack your girl/boy up on the way out to the field, yell at the first teammate you see, and, during the first play, deploy your best gouging finger on the first eye you encounter that is not your own. Then Ultimate will be a real sport in no time.

Boz

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