Dear Ask Boz,

This one really taxed the resources of Fart Team Six. For years, they've been investigating whether or not seals fart, and they just found out the answer was no. Really, it's why they are so plump; they're all bloated up with gas! The team was hoping for a little R+R after a decade spent up close and personal with seal anus, but we immediately re-deployed them upon receipt of your question.

Of course, the laws governing how close you can get to a woman's backside and poke around are way different than those governing sea creatures. It took a few arrests, restraining orders and handbag-beat-downs before the investigation really got going.

The first breakthrough was an upgrade in satellite technology. Remote flatulence detection is understandably focused on finding Arab terrorists. Thus, these ultra-sensitive instruments were attuned to the release of falafel, hummus, couscous and wolf nipple chip odors.

Focusing the satellite on women's butts was very difficult; there are just so many of them. It was decided that the pool had to narrowed. The team began to concentrate on supermodels, bringing a laser focus to bear on supermodel booty everywhere. Logically, if these perfect women were caught ripping one, it would provide irrefutable evidence that uglier women did, too.

The realities of the investigation soon set in. A diet of lettuce and water doesn't produce a lot of odor. Plus, the team found out that supermodels have several "safe bathrooms" scattered throughout their domain. These require a "catwalk" scan to enter, and they are made with steel reinforced walls. Even the ventilation system is geared to make everything emitted smell like roses.

Despite all the obstacles, the satellites did detect some odor, but could only provide a 42 percent certainty that this was a fart. Clearly, it would take a more intimate approach.

Team member [name redacted] posed as an "Emergency Odor Investigator" from the International Supermodel Investigation Syndicate. He informed supermodel Kelly Mittendorf that his instrument had picked up "suspicious and career threatening odors emitting from her buttal region."

Understandably concerned, Kelly quickly consented to allowing Agent [name redacted] to stoop over, put his instrument next to her behind, and follow her around "to make sure no unbecoming odors emerged."

He soon found his answer: women fart like champs! Just like most of us, they time their farts to avoid detection - the two best places being outside and alone, or in crowded areas like bars or concerts where there would be too many suspects.

The agent reported that supermodel farts do have a pleasant odor - "kinda like the ground just after a rainstorm." I suspect the same can't be said for less attractive women - but that's an investigation for another day.

Boz

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