THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Why am I not able to work continuously for 5 hours?

RESPONSORIAL

We are guessing that you are approaching the above as a problem. Thus, you are still caught up in the lies spread by the Calvinist "Protestant Work Ethic." This idea was put forth by John Calvin, an Evangelical Minister back in the day. So you're not confused, being a minister back then almost never meant that you were doing meth with a male prostitute. No, back then, you ruined life in another way: glorifying work.

Essentially, Calvinist theory marked the dawn of "Successism." Successists preach that hard work has an intrinsic value beyond a paycheck. That work itself is a great good. Yeah ... as if! Despite the obvious flaws in this theory, early America embraced this as a core value, to the devastating results of great efficiency, unbridled creativity, and world military, social, and ethical domination. Despite these glaring problems, successists somehow managed to keep their theories in play, even though "common people" increased their wealth and life satisfaction. No other theories had produced such consistent positive results without the upper class destroying the lower classes and taking everything, just 'cause they can. Somehow, the devil rich fell asleep on this one, or were all involved with some sort of Pretty Woman where you don't get to kiss the poor girls, but you get the chirp-chirp, if you know what we're saying. So this evil lingers still today, forcing more people than our dear Asktater to feel worthless, just because they have come to understand sloth and ennui are next to godliness.

You think you have to work so hard because of the endless procession of books written by successful people giving advice on how to be successful. The influence of these books dominate because no "slackerist" or "napist" has written a book to counter these immoral guides to improved lifestyle and social standing. For some reason, unsuccessful, lazy people don't produce "self-defeat" books at nearly the same rate as dynamic go-getters produce their self-help tomes.

Though these books don't exist, Ask Boz has collected many thousand bar-napkin scribblings, full of advice for those attempting to escape the "success trap" and return to the age old traditions of meaninglessness and squalor. Here are some tips that will have you fired and ruined as soon as you adopt them:

1. If you are a man, avoid women. Women, besides having brought sin and evil into the world, are also the worst successists. It's like this thing with them to want their man to do things and have "value." Really, with the amount of porn, and Bill Gates hard at work on the full body virtual reality suit, these creatures are nearly obsolete. Woman 2.0 is going to be soooo much better .... trust.
2. If you are a woman, get married. Your half-simian sex and eating machine will consume all your energy just trying to figure out how he could be so stupid in so many ways. Like, how he has to carry in all the grocery bags at once, so half the stuff spills out, and doubles the work, yet in his little brain he is satisfied because it was only one trip? Go ahead, keep trying to be organized and efficient ... he'll break you. One day, as you are bending over to pick up that pair of underwear, look closely at its various markings. As exhaustion and nausea break over you in soothing waves, sink to the ground. Suddenly, you will be in a teal housecoat and slippers with holes in the bottom, and your cares will have faded away.

The thing is, you can go through a lot of work to stop being useful, or you can take a leap of faith and Give Up Hope. If you are having a hard time giving up, these little affirmations will help:

1. Repeat the following: I am a tiny speck in the cosmos. I am worthless in comparison to the infinity of valuable, worthwhile things surrounding me. Were a tree to fall on me, the ripples of my death in the universe would be equivalent to a single pine needle falling into a scummy, still pond.
2. This world is a tragic, bloody asylum, where raving abortionists and homosexuals run the streets, chased by gay priests and evangelists and congressbeings, each wielding terrible swift rifles. We are all on the ride to that shack in Armegeddonville, USA, and its address ain't "1 Promised Land Court," neither. We are all two seconds away from shooting someone, stealing someone's stuff, or making farting noises with our armpits in church. Mankind is evil, murderous, vain, and profane. The only way to truly lodge your protest is to lay down, tune out and .... whatever... who cares?
3. God gave up long ago. How do we know? See the bullet above.
4. Nobody likes you. They are all totally pretending. And they'll never tell. But you knew that, didn't you? It eats at your heart every day. How to escape the pain? Stop caring. Stop bathing, brushing, changing clothes, or cleaning up your excrements. Lay down so much that you literally can no longer stand. To move, you have to flop around. So stop moving. Too much work. Reach out for the sweet, empty embrace of death, and fade into the nothingness as the electricity dies away from your brain and heart, and you become part of the meaningless void.

Well, there you have it. We should say "hope you liked it," but we just don't care.

Ask Boz

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