THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Dear Mr. Boz. My biggest dream is to become one of the greatest ultimate players like you. Do you see it possible for someone like me or anyone else to achieve the world level of play you have attained, or should I just grow a lot of hair on my back and pretend to be as good as you? thanks

Glen

RESPONSORIAL

Gentle, sweet Glen,

Here at Ask Boz Central, we recieve such questions several times a day. "How can I be Ask Boz?", "Can a woman be Ask Boz?" "Can I still give Fisher unwanted massages if I'm Ask Boz?" Our standard answer is, "If you want to be Ask Boz, then be yourself." However, in your case, our lawyers inform us that we would be subject to myriad lawsuits if we gave you that advice. In fact, they strongly urged us to tell you that under no circumstances should you continue to be yourself.

To help you out, we researched giving you the new identity of "Ashton Baggins." Our computer models showed that this name would almost instantly propel you to fame, happiness, and pain free oral hygiene. However, you would also require massive reconstructive surgery and a total personalityarectomy, which would be far too expensive for you, as your only income is from your recurring role as the gay bootblack on skits for the 700 Club. So, while it is clear that you should not attempt to be Ask Boz, due to the "110%" likelihood of failure our models projected, you can improve your Boz Index by making a few small changes. As a service of Ask Boz, and with an only nominal weekly garnish of your little gay paycheck, we have provided you with, if not a new identity, at least a new "you."

Simply follow the following steps, and only happiness and improved ultimate play will follow.

1. Dye your hair blond. We know this sounds crazy, and metrosexual, but it will give you the new physical image to make a clean breast of things.
2. Hire a "posse." There are several available at below market rate, including Mike Tyson's, Michael Jackson's and Richard Nixon's. Our research indicates that if they shout such things as, "Glen's the shizzle, dog!" and "Who's all up in this thang, yaw!" they will both impress and intimidate your mostly whitebread companions, increasing your Ask Boz Index by as much as -7!
3. Wear a leather jacket and jeans with leather chaps, and continually talk about your "Hog." There is no reason to buy an actual Harley, but to simply say such things as: "I really opened up my Hog today," "There's nothing like the purr off a Hog between your legs," and "I shined my Hog until I could see my face in it." Your posse should respond with, "Preach, Brother Glen!" whenever you say these things.
4. Talk to girls. Our studies show that actually talking to the opposite sex improves your chances of "gettin' wit' 'em" far, far more than standing in the corner and staring at them until they become uncomfortable.

These three things, taken together, are actually four things. That said, we believe that these simple changes will create a "AB Halo Effect" sufficient to make everyone happily forget what a truly unpleasant and burdensome person you really are.

Peace out, dawg!

Ask Boz

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