Dear Ask Boz,

If you choose to captain a Summer League team again, who would you pick first in the draft if they were available - Godzilla or Darryl, and why? - Dennis Cronin, Connecticut

Well, we have to admit it took awhile to line up this test. Darryl is hard enough to find, but you wouldn't believe what we had to go through to find Godzilla. He simply will not be bothered while vacationing on Monster Island, and if he's not doing that, he's shooting a movie, or ads for Fruit of the Loom underwear, and we don't know what else. Still, we were able to get both to the "Ask Boz Japanese Monster versus American Human Comparison Complex," and the following are the results of our tests in several categories.

1. Ass Whompin':
Darryl is a very good player. He can jump about as high as anyone in CT, is as fast as just about anyone in CT, plays solid defense and gets open at will. Using the Boz Ass Whompin' Scale (calibrated to the nearest Boz Unit), Darryl scores a 12. (For reference, Boz is a perfect 7 on this scale.)

Godzilla is a very good Japan destroying monster. He shoots Radioactive Flame Breath, which he can also use to fly, beat Megalon with Kung-fu, can absorb radiation, and utilize a repulsion blast to clear the field of everyone around him. Using the Boz Ass Whompin' scale, he scores a 6.9.
---- Advantage: Godzilla

2. Offense:
Darryl has handling through deep skills, making him an invaluable teammate.

Godzilla doesn't really seem to "get" offense. His size makes him somewhat of a nuisance on the field(s), his cuts often take him out of bounds, and the Frisbee tends to get lost in his giant hands, if he didn't notice it coming and zap it with a pulsing stream of radioactivity. Plus, he never huddles up during time outs, preferring to bellow "Water," which, you can imagine, requires a giant tub filled with thousands of gallons of H20.
---- Advantage: Darryl

3. Defense:
Darryl, as mentioned above, plays a mean D. He can cover handler through deep, and seldom puts himself in a bad situation. He is aggressive to the disk, will help out teammates, and is generally an asset.

Godzilla gives Boz a run for his money. When Godzilla steps on the field, he brings so many intangibles, such as the fact that he likely crushed the other team. He plays defense with his offense, meaning his aforementioned powers. There is nothing like, for instance, that sinking feeling that you are about to get scored on, then that leaping Ed Avery is charred by a blast of deadly radiating love, filling you with the glory of having a homicidal monster teammate. While this is probably a spirit violation, we know those rules have no teeth, and will ever plague Ultimate with the label of "sissy hippy sport" until we rid ourselves of them. Advice to Captains: Tank the early rounds like Scott does for Ed, but don't go Avery, pick Godzilla instead.
---- Advantage: Godzilla

4. Tokyo Destroying:
Our simulated Darryl was given everything we could think of: a bat, a bazooka, grenades, and simple chronic halitosis, but he could do no more than irritate home and business owners in downtown Tokyo. He performed poorly versus power lines, and when the Japanese army started their rocket attacks, Darryl screams weren't the rage that Godzilla feels, but the kind of screams that come with getting yourself blown up early and often.

Admittedly, this is Godzilla's territory. In fact, he seemed almost bored as he broke power lines like spaghetti and deflected the shells that came in from his tiny Japanese enemies. He crushes building with the insouciance of a bully crushing lil' Steve Rigatti's precious, precious sand castle, and his innocent bystander destruction is simply beyond compare.
---- Advantage: Godzilla

5. Reality:
When it comes right down to it, Darryl is, by all meaningful measurements, real. Though he does miserable at the "I'm definitely going to be at that tournament, really, I will," test, he scores outstanding in all other categories: corporeality, non-fictionality, "fun-tough," and that old luggage test where the ape tosses shit around the room.

Godzilla, on the other hand, seems to be entirely fictional. Monster Island cannot be found on any map, (although, curiously, Mapquest has directions), and all our research at Tokyo's "Monster Attack Archives and Super-fun Bling-Bling Akira Institute" turned up no ascertainable evidence of any real attacks. Godzilla, Dennis, simply does not exist, although, seeing you are married to Becky, one can understand your confusion.
---- Advantage:Darryl

So, put simply, if you are playing Ultimate, say, in Middle Earth, or if Gomorrah is presently spinning around you as only a giant (good) flying turtle can, draft Godzilla. If you are anywhere within reality, draft Darryl.

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