Dear Ask Boz,

Dear George,

You will never be good enough in the eyes of others if you continue to try. Trying leads to things like consistency and success. If you are known as a reliable go-getter, people will expect more and more of you. So when you fail at something they are bitterly disappointed in you.

The only alternative is to be an unreliable do-nothing. People will begin to praise you just for getting up in the morning, showering, and only drinking seven beers. You'll hear statements like "Hey, you didn't mess up the party last night!" and "I used to really loathe you; now I just mildly dislike you." From the perspective of supremely lowered expectations, every little thing you do that doesn't ruin everything will be considered "good enough."

I can see this will be difficult for you, George. You have been an achiever thus far, and you have already significantly raised the expectations of those around you. You are going to need to commit a spectacular screw up to have any hope of ever being good enough.

I have looked into your future. You have a huge opportunity to screw up so royally that you should be set for life. See, your friend Richard is returning from Geneva soon. He hasn't been around for three years, so everyone is talking about throwing him a party. They all want you to plan it, because you're always so good at everything. Here's how to competely mess it up:

Drinks: Three cases of Bud Light Cream-of-Wheat.

Menu: Start with Liverwurst Pate. Then move to Beef and Chicken Liver Au Gratin. Wash that down with authentic Mexican Habanera Dip garnished with unwashed spinach. Make a lot of Blue Onion Dip - it's blue because you make it with the old sour cream that's been sitting in the back of the fridge for years.

Guest list: It's OK to invite everyone he loves. As long as you remember the one he loved and lost. Call up his lost love Bobbie-Jo, and tell her that Richard would love to be friends again. Because you know he is not over her, but she is totally over him. Tell Richard that Bobbie-Jo is coming and wants him back.

Music Mix: Very heavy on every song that was popular when they were together. Make sure you put their song "La Vida Loca" into the mix at least 27 times.

Game: "Memory Lane" - A slide show of pictures from the trips the the two of them took. Contestants have to guess where Richard and Bobby-Jo are in each picture. Bonus points are given for the intensity of Richard's weeping.

Implausible deniability: Rehearse these lies so you can say them with absolute sincerity. "I swear you said you were over her!" "You always said there was a chance you're get back together with him." No one will believe you, and you will soon reap the reward of your reputation as a liar.

There you go. Richard's broken heart, Bobbie-Jo's righteous outrage, and your friends' absolute disgust with you will be like a reset button on your life. Like ashes falling from a burning Phoenix, you will bask in the glow of expectations in the range of "low to none." Your worries about achievement will be over, as well as such annoyances as friendship, loved ones, and a social life.

Boz

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