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Are guinea pigs edible?

Some, but not all guinea pigs are edible. Like other wild plants, it is very dangerous to just pluck a guinea pig from the vine and start munching. We suggest you buy a field guide to guinea pigs before you venture out to harvest. The Idiots Guide to Eating Guinea Pigs is a great place to start. However, if you are impatient, here are a few ways to tell if an individual GP is edible. You should eat a guinea pig if:

  1. You find a guinea pig that has been cooked and prepared with a nice side of vegetables. Although pre-cooked food is no guarantee of edibility, we find it is a usually reliable signal. Especially if brought to you by some cute waitress. Hey, baby ..... RAAAAAAaaaaaar!
  2. The GP is wearing an "eat me" shirt. These are usually alienated guinea pigs, freshly out of a MFA program, trying to ironically attack the prevailing paradigm. Thus, the best thing to do to them is to eat them, thereby ironically ridding the world of a sullen and over-thinking "jerk pig." However, don't touch a guinea pig wearing a "barely edible" shirt. They are not being ironic, but truthful. Even though pigs that wear that shirt are always smokin' hot, for guinea pigs .. RAAAAAAaaaaaar!
  3. The guinea pig is baring its teeth and frothing at the mouth. Rabid guinea pigs are a delicacy in most civilized countries and Canada. In fact, we here at Ask Boz like to take turns contracting rabies (be careful not to contract Rabbis), biting our pigs, and infecting them. There's something special about knowing that the GP you are eating was carrying your personal sickness.

Before you start eating guinea pigs, you may want to know if you even like the taste. You can test this the same way that you find out if you like butter. Simply rub a guinea pig under you chin. If you develop light brown and white hair there, then you will love the taste of guinea pigs. A note to women: The hair will last for a couple of weeks, so you may want to take a vacation in Italy or Vermont so you won't stand out.

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