Dear Ask Boz,

How do I commit a felony that will get my into the Guinness Book of World Records?
Kate, Arkansas

Dear Kate,

I went right to my source at Guiness to get you your answer. Here is what Liz Rosencramp, the Director of Illegal Records, emailed to me:

"Guinness measures felonies in three ways: the Marathon Felony, which is the length of time it takes to commit a single felony; the Multiple Felony is the number of consecutive felonies committed in one day without getting caught; and the Omni-Felony, where one commits as many felonies as possible simultaneously.

For your elucidation, these are the present record holders in each category, and their associated records:

1. Marathon Felony: Dynah Washington holds this record for a two-week house robbery, done while its owners were on vacation. This smashed William Miller's previous record of 8 days of perjury while testifying to a Grand Jury. Dynah cleverly saved the silverware for last, so she could steal it one piece at a time, thus lengthening her record.

2. Multiple Felonies: Daniel M. Griffith committed 42 consecutive felonies on June 23rd, 1973. Without going into each one, let me just point out how good he was at committing multiple felonies within a short span of time. For instance, he robbed the person he kidnapped, and then passed a $20,000 bad check to him, claiming that the check was because he was "real sorry for the robbing, kidnapping and the pistol-whippings."

3. Omni-Felony: When you talk about planning, you have to highlight Huff Jerington's 1994 tour-de-crime. While hiding seven illegal immigrants in his basement, which he forced them to clean without pay, Huff received a delivery of two-pounds of marijuana, paying for it with counterfeit Tanzanian Shillings.

At the same time that he continued to not disclose a treason, Mr. Jerington put the finishing touches on several fake id's. All this, of course, happening while he failed "to appear in court for a criminal offense for which a sentence of two or more years may be imposed."

He concluded a conspiracy and counted up the money handed to him by a prostitute. He handed the money to his money launderer who then laundered his money. At this same time he hit enter on his keyboard, which filed an income tax form in which he evaded 42,000 dollars in taxes. Continuing to extort protection money from his money launderer, whom he was holding for ransom, he sat surrounded by illegal firearms and knives, one of which he used to sniper-kill an innocent.

Though I try not to get personally involved with those who break records, Huff Jerington's fifteen felony counts in that one moment stand as a model to all criminals who want to break the law and records.

Please also see the categories "Synchronized Felonies" and "Felonies while an Amnesiac." We are no longer ranking "Narcoleptic Felonies" because of the danger to the criminal attempting to break the record. When it comes to felonies, our motto is "safety first"!

Anyone is welcome to contact Guinness with a serious plan to break these or other records. If the attempt has merit, we will send representatives to meet you. As a final word, please note - The Guiness representatives that comes to observe your crimes will immediately turn you in to the police after your attempt(s) at breaking the law are finished. Good luck!"

Well, there you go, Kate. Look forward to seeing your record!

Boz

Last time: What am I getting fat?

Archive of the latest responses:

Hey! Let's face it, Ask Boz updates once a week at best. Instead of having to check back, get the update sent to you. Click here and add Ask Boz to your feeds.

Subscribe It's easy and free, like Boz.
Important note: This is a new feed service. The old one broke.

Share on Facebook

NOW! Vote for us at Humor Links

We are listed in the Comedy Zone

 


Name or email

How you at?
 
Question or comment
 

        
                 or