Asktation

Dear Ask Boz,

Is there a medical metric for measuring % of hirsuteness? If so, are you off the charts? If not, can Dr. Rigatti petition someone to get this on the AMA roadmap?

Regards, Dave, TX

Responsorial

Being a collective, Ask Bozzes' "Hairiness" cannot be measured by any standard means. Nevertheless, we'd like to start by digressing, and telling you about the way we spread our hair to those we absorb. That's right! Whether you like that idea or not! We write what we want!

During the induction rituals, new "Blurgs," as we call them, are given an intense treatment of our special Minoxidil and Rogaine ointment. You got it: we're not just talking a couple of pills, here. This is an old school 70’s funky hair-growth paste, man, all jived up with some jalapenos and cilantro. We smear it all over their bodies. Happily, this is both burning and shameful for our inductees, but that only prepares them to break under the force of Ask Boz Power.

Sadly, many Blurgs don’t make it past the first stage, as they come to be made entirely of hair. This, as you might guess, makes them quite useless. Don’t even mention that a human-sized hairball is just murder around drains and intake valves.

If the Blurg survives several months of these toxic hair growth treatments, he or she will proudly advance to the next rank: Soma Whale. If you were to reach the Soma Whale level, you would sit in the middle of a giant hall, completely surrounded by the hairiest Ask Bozzes, and all of them are staring at you. But you don't think this is creepy at all, because you understand from all the lessons and the beatings that Ask Boz is simply sending you electric hair growth rays. If you grow the required amount, measured in Peruvian Quarts, of 7 PQs of hair, then you become an Ask Boz. We know it seems sudden. We originally wanted more steps, but think about it, two steps are a lot easier to deal with then 10 or twelve, right?

So, basically, take an amount of hair that is >= the measure of 7 PQs, and mutliply that by the total number of beings that have gently, and harshly, been absorbed and cured by Ask Boz, and then divide that by fifty-nine, just for the heck of it, then you got your answer, Dear Dave. Or got you not, it?

Ask Boz

PS Doctor Rigatti is much too busy to be dealing with such nonsense. You should know better. You know what? You're this close to a time out, mister ... you really are.

Ask Boz

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