Dear Ask Boz,

Natural hair vs. Shaving vs. Waxing vs. Laser hair removal??????
The Hair Critics

Dear The Hair Critics,

This question was originally asked by four young ladies at a bar, each with different ideas about the best way to remove body hair. While they disagreed on the method, they all agreed that if they did not remove the majority of the hair on their bodies, some sort of personal catastrophe would occur. I wasn't exactly sure what this terrible thing was, but my imagination conjured angry mobs with torches, driving a pack of hairy women out of the city and locking the gates behind them.

I feel their pain, but as a deeply spiritual and a profoundly hairy man, the question of the best form of hair elimination goes to the root of my beliefs. Every day, I must fight our cultures increasing hatred of the hairy body so that I can still love myself, or at least not be completely repulsed by what I see in the mirror. I work very hard to love my hair, so it is tough for me to choose the best way of getting rid of it.

That said, here is an attempt to go through each type of hair slaughter, and try to find the best one:

First of all, laser hair removal is completely insane. I have done a great deal or research into lasers, meaning I've watched every Star Wars numerous times. How can a big old laser beam possibly be an efficient way to remove hair? Listen, I'm sure if the Millenium Falcon shot its lasers at me, I wouldn't have any hair left on my body, but I would also no longer have a body. Sure, disintegration is a permanent hair removal solution, but it seems just a little over the top.

I'm more comfortable with waxing, but only when an artist uses her own leftover hairy wax to make a lifesized sculpture of herself. Then she puts it on display, where some art critic jerk sees it, and calls it "a wonderfully ironic postmodern statement" or some other pretentious art critic jerk stuff. And then some wine-drunk art-loving tourist with too much money and bad taste in clothes will pay $12,000 for it, and bring it back to his over-priced New York apartment, where the air-conditioning will break during a heat wave. He'll come home from some job exploiting people amd he'll stand there in his sweltering apartment, and watch it melt into a waxy puddle of hair.

Now, shaving. This one hits home a little harder, because I actually do shave some of my hair. I can't help think that if I had to shave my entire body except my head it would take days. By the time I was finally done, I'd have to start over. I'm so stressed already with all I have to do that, I can't picture having to ...

Hmmmmm. Wait a second. Actually, that doesn't sound too bad. I'd be constantly occupied. I wouldn't need to do anything else but shave. I'll finally get to see what my skin looks like. And strangers will stop shouting, "Say hi to Han Solo for me, Chewbacca!"

But no, even with all those benefits, my answer has to be "natural hair." My hair is what defines me, what saves me money on sunblock, and where I keep my internationally renowned lice collection. I will not deny one strand, not one follicle.

If I don't ask it of myself, I can't ask it of anyone else. So Hair Critics, lead your fellow ladies and get natural. Let it all go. Grow out that mustache, embrace the union of your brows, and braid your underarm and nipple hair. I mean, the heck with a landing strip, go for a whole international airport! Grow lush fields of hair on your legs for your man to run his hands through. Heck, grow real hairy eyeballs. It will make the constant nagging of your boyfriend even more powerful!

Trust me, men will adjust to your hairiness. Within 3 months hairlessness will be out, and suddenly Canadian and Russian women will be all the rage. Just grow it out and see!

Boz

Last time: What's up with Northfaces and Ugg boots?

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